A couple of months ago, I came across a Mother’s day column reprinted by the author, Maryann Miller, on her blog, It’s Not All Gravy. Though the original was printed decades ago, so much of it really rings true—and still strikes at the heart of what makes moms struggle with nobility and fulfillment in motherhood: ourselves. (The emphasis here is mine.)
While I’ve been trying to sort out all these things associated with motherhood, I keep wondering why there is so much unrest among women today, even those who have had a satisfying career outside the home before deciding to become full-time homemakers. Then I realized the unrest comes out of a loss of pride. Modern thinking has managed to strip us of any glimmer of the kind of pride our mothers could feel for their role.
It’s true that modern ideology still advocates free choice, but somehow the choice of full-time homemaker doesn’t garner the same respect and interest as choosing to be an astronaut. . . .
Under the circumstances, it’s no wonder women are in such turmoil. Society has force-fed us its version of the “modern woman” — exciting, sophisticated, fulfilled, and working outside the home. So when a woman finds her fulfillment at home, she automatically starts questioning and comparing. That is especially true of the women who had a different career first.
I found this fascinating. I often wonder if I’d had more time to “establish” my career before I had children, if I’d had those years to live for myself (and my husband) after college, if maybe I wouldn’t struggle so much to find fulfillment now.
Conversely, though, I can’t help but wonder if that time living for myself would have just made it harder to “give it all up” to become a full-time mom. I mean, I had a hard enough time giving up what little I’d had.
What do you think? Does having a career outside the home before children make it harder or easier to become a full-time mom? How does your career (former or current) interplay with your fulfillment from motherhood?
Photo by Brian Talbot
6 replies on “It’s Not All Gravy: Happy Mother’s Day”
Hmm that’s a pretty deep question. I only worked full time in my “career” for about 6 months before I had Weston, but I found it desperately hard to give it up. I ended up deciding to go back to my job part time when Weston was about 3 months old. I though that I was just not cut out for motherhood. I still struggle with staying home and not feeling “productive” most days. I have always thought that this was my own Type A fault.
After officially quitting my job/s to stay home when I had Davin, I realized how much more suited I was to the whole motherhood thing. I still struggle, but I like to think I’m a work in progress. I try to stand up for my decision to stay home with my kids and be proud that this is the life I’ve chosen and I have great kids because I stay home with them and have made them great. Conceited? Maybe. Fulfilling? Definitely.
I worked for a year as a teacher for at-risk youth. It was something that had always seemed like it would be so fulfilling in my mind’s eye. When I discovered that it wasn’t really like I’d always thought it would be… well, what I mean is, when I realized that I wasn’t MAKING A HUGE DIFFERENCE in their lives– atleast, not the big impact I’d always yearned for– I started to wonder if ALL careers are kind of like that: the day to day just isn’t as fulfilling as you think it will be. And then as the year progressed and I found myself wishing that so-and-so’s mom would help us teach discipline to their child or so-and-so’s mom ought to be the one counseling about such and such an issue… I guess it just dawned on me that the impact I’d THOUGHT I was going to be making was really BEST made by their mothers in the first place. And that was when I realized that motherhood– despite the desperately mundane nature of it at times– was actually a work in which I could ACTUALLY change lives for the better. Not just frustrate myself trying to do that.
Great, insightful comments, Shannon and Elisa! Great points all around.
Shannon, I love that you were able to do what was right for you at the time—and I love that you’ve found fulfillment at home now. I think Elisa’s comment dovetails with what you said about making your kids great—most of the time, it’s the efforts of the parents that keep kids on the straight and narrow.
I think you’re right, too, Elisa, that most careers aren’t very fulfilling, even the ones that seem like they have the most opportunity to do good. (Like, I don’t know, maybe motherhood?) The grass is always greener.
Thanks again, ladies!
I think my answer to this question might be a little skewed because for the past 4 years I have been working outside of the home, but I never really enjoyed what I did. I think there was a phase of a couple months where I did feel happy because I chose to live in the present, but I still came back to feeling like there was something missing. Living here in Boston can be really fun, but I feel like I never really get to enjoy the city because I have to spend so much time in the office. By the time I get home, there are only a couple hours (if that) to do anything out of the apartment, and frankly, I’d rather just stay home since I hadn’t been home all day.
The entire time that I’ve been working “on my career” or otherwise, I’ve been wishing that I could just be a mother. I never felt fulfilled in my work. Maybe that’s because I feel like I’m worth more than what my job offers (referring to stimulus to the brain, not monetary means), and I regret not having continued with my education right after graduation. Maybe if I were doing what I enjoyed I’d feel better about myself. Then I dwell on that thought a little more, and I realize that what is really important to me is the time I spend doing what’s best for my own family. I have so much to learn, and I yearn for the experiences of motherhood. I read Shannon’s blog and just ache for the blessings that she has…meaning, I want to be able to be with my children. Sure, I understand that it can feel mundane and unappreciated by the world…but I still feel unappreciated by the world, and my job is worth only as much as a paycheck to me at this point. I would be very happy to live without the interaction of my co-workers, the phone calls I need to answer, and the fridge to stock full of beverages that I don’t even drink anyway. I’d be happy to trade it all in for a day of cuddles, playing on the floor with legos and cars, going to the park, doing the dishes and laundry, having dinner ready for Mark when he gets home (or sometime close to that) instead of an hour after I get which is already a couple hours after he got home. Yet, I do it this way because that is what is best for our family right now.
Some women are born to work out of the home, and some are born to be nowhere other than the home. I think I could work and be a mother if I really had to, but I’ve done my time in the workforce, and I would really like to be able to do some time at home. By the time my baby is born, Mark and I will be a couple months shy of our 5th wedding anniversary. I think it was good for me to be able to get my time with just him, and time to live without children in our relationship. However, I also feel that it’s good for me to finally be able to get what I’ve longed for these past couple years. I can see how much these different choices really mean to me personally, and I think I can fully appreciate all options once I experience them. I’m sure that some days after the baby I will say that I wish it was as easy as it was before the baby. Maybe I’m the type of person who will never be fully satisfied (what a sad thought!) because I will long for something I don’t have. Either way, I know that I will be able to see it from all angles and know that I am doing what is best for me and my family.
I dunno. I am fulfilled in my career and would never be fulfilled if my primary or singular role was as a mother. I don’t feel like I have been “force fed” this image of a modern successful career woman, I feel very fortunate to have today’s opportunities to live the life I feel most fulfilled in. In fact, I feel that if I have been force fed anything it is the deception that every woman has some sort of innate motherhood instinct that should drive her to want to become a wife and mother or that a woman can’t ever be fulfilled until she has achieved that, no matter how successful she is in her career.
As for taking pride, shouldn’t we all take pride in whatever life we lead, as long as it is the life we’d choose for ourselves and makes us happy? There is pride in that, no matter what sort of role you value. And what sort of respect and admiration do you expect to get when the ones to benefit from the choice you made are your immediate family, as compared to someone whose choices benefit many hundreds of people? In other words, if your choice is to be a full-time mother, you can expect to receive the respect and admiration of your family because they are the ones who benefit, but why would you expect to receive any acknowledgement from other people who gain nothing from your choice? If your choice is to be an astronaut, you can expect to receive the respect and admiration of everyone whose life your work touches.
/gina
I’m not sure what prompted you to say something like this to me and the other stay-at-home moms who’ve commented here, especially since you just commented on another post saying you’re looking for tips and inspiration for mothers struggling with fulfillment.
No one said that you have to have children, but the purpose of this blog is to help mothers find fulfillment in motherhood. If you’re not a mother, then it’s probably not going to be very helpful to you.
If mothers can only expect to receive respect from our families, we’re screwed. But we aren’t saying that the world owes us something our children will never really give us. We’re saying that people shouldn’t look down their noses at us just because we don’t have “real” job titles. People shouldn’t imply that we’re not doing anything important because we have chosen to devote part of our lives to rearing and providing for the children we’ve chosen to bring into this world, to ensure that the next generation has values and skills to benefit all of us.
Mothers deserve respect. But largely the choice to be a full-time mother is met with ridicule and revulsion, which is enough to undermine anyone’s sense of self-worth and fulfillment—and that’s something we don’t deserve.