It’s been three months since Hayden “customized” my glasses, and I’ve been making do ever since with shoddily-taped-together glasses.
While I was visiting my parents, my mom asked me several times why I haven’t replaced them yet. I didn’t really have a reason, but sometimes I tried to tell myself that my glasses were just one outward manifestation of what it meant to be a mother—sacrificing yourself for your child’s well-being.
And in a way, it was, but the reason is much larger than the martyrdom of motherhood. It’s not that I can’t take time for myself and spend an hour picking out frames and return a week later to have them fitted. It’s the fact that Hayden wouldn’t like it. He probably wouldn’t stand for it.
A lot of the time, I do dwell on the things that I can’t do now that I’m a mother. But last week, I realized that I really could do things like that for myself. It’s that I choose not to. Some of it is because I’m a mom and I feel like I can’t take time for myself, but a lot of it is that I’m not just living for me anymore. I’ve become so accustomed to being Hayden’s mother that I know what he likes to do and what he wants to do—and what will probably make him throw a fit.
But just when I think I know him, he goes and grows up some more. Today we went grocery shopping and throughout the 90-minute trip, he fussed just once (and threw his snacks on the ground just once).
For a few hours, I got to feel like a great mom—he was the happy, zany boy that he is growing up to be. He found his bath hilarious, he thought drumming on his belly hysterical and I was sad to see him go to bed, even though he didn’t make a sound once I laid him in his crib. I was living my life for him for those few hours, and it felt amazing—good enough to forget the many hours I’d tried to work earlier today with Hayden almost constantly clamoring for my attention.
For someone whose only real words are “hai” and “Mommy?Mommy?Mommy?Mommy?Mommy?Mommy?Mommy?” it’s amazing how much he’s changed my life—my priorities, my patience, my expectations—but most of all, today I can really appreciate how my little guy has changed my happiness—even if I can’t wear my glasses out of the house.
This post is part of Summer’s Group Writing Project—hurry to participate this weekend to make it in by the deadline!
14 replies on “Living our life”
I’ve been thinking about this.
You say two things:
You love to live your life for your son. You love him and you want to give up everything for him. Including appearances.
You’re grateful that he changed your priorities. He doesn’t like his mother to have new glasses, so you won’t take the time to get new ones, but you just give broken glasses a new meaning.
I wonder how you define motherhood.
Which goals you have set for him.
Do you really want him to rule your life?
To become a king in the lives of others, someone who thinks he can have it all, and he can make people give up everything?
There needs to be a line between mother and child.
When he breaks your belongings and you accept that, when you don’t give him a clear signal things like that are not how we deal with matters in this world…where do you draw the line?
Right now you are responsible for him to grow up as a responsible man, a responsible father maybe.
Getting new glasses signals that people have to take care of themselves. Clean clothes, washing, brushing teeth, not wearing clothes with holes in them… it’s part of being a responsible grown up, but also part of the excistence of a child.
If he can’t learn this, he will be bullied, because the world is far less considerate and loving than you are.
You won’t lose those almost spiritual moments playing in the here-and-now.
I’m sure of that.
I hope I haven’t offended you, because that wasn’t the intention.
Right now I’m dealing with older children here, and sometimes I wonder if I have done right not creating my own carreer but being there for theme.
Actually, that did kind of offend me. I’ve worked for my son’s whole life not to resent the way I have to change to accommodate him. Once I’ve finally achieved some balance and happiness, and try to share it with others, the first response I receive is a very long lecture that we’re not balanced or happy?
He’s eighteen months old. It would be worse for him to have to sit through hours of glasses shopping and fitting (at least two trips across town) than for me to make do with taped together glasses that I wouldn’t wear out of the house anyway. He still wants to play with and destroy my glasses, so until it’s safe for glasses around here, I’ll forgo not only the inconvenience of buying them but the expense of getting glasses that will soon be trashed if I do wear them.
Things don’t take care of themselves. My son will not be taught that. I take care of things. His daddy takes care of things.
The whole point of this post was not to say that he rules my life. Did I not make that clear? It was to say that I’ve finally accommodated to the great changes that being a mother to him entails.
Maybe I’ll just delete this post. Clearly it didn’t get my point across.
Don’t delete the post Jordan! You were being honest about everything. We’re all in a struggle for balance as moms of small children, but when the kids grow up, we forget how demanding they were, and how they needed us to adapt ourselves. It also sounds like Laane may be working through some issues of her own, from the last sentence, and it just happened to come out after reading your post.
I “got” this post. I remember feeling elated when it stopped being so difficult to take my babies to the grocery store, and when I was no longer a slave to their nap schedule. I remember as a first-time mom, losing myself as I cared for this beautiful treasure God had given me. The important thing is that, as they have grown and become less needy, I have begun discovering myself again. I’ve found that I am completely different. Less selfish. more balanced. All because I allowed myself to get lost in being a mom for a little while.
Congrats on your little victory!
PS I wore chipped glasses for about a year until I finally replaced them in May. (The chip due to a child stepping on them) Hooray for the broken glasses club!
I agree. Don’t delete the post.
I think we go through stages as moms, based on the needs of our children. Yes, it’s important for children to know that they can’t break our stuff, but Hayden is at an age where he is curious, and he’s going to break a lot more things before he really gets it. So I think you’re smart not to spend the time or money on new glasses right now, because you’re right. Glasses are not safe in your house right now.
In a year or two, you’ll be able to get new glasses again, and Hayden will learn not to play with them. Just like he’s learning to not fuss in the grocery store now. SingForHim is right. When our children are young, we get wrapped up in them, because they need so much. And we enjoy meeting their needs. As children grow, they are able to do more for themselves, and we moms begin to do things that we gave up when our children were young. It’s all a part of the process. You’re doing a great job!
Thank you, ladies!
I probably wouldn’t have deleted it, but I was really thinking about how I was going to rewrite it. I was pretty upset that my post didn’t convey what I wanted it to, and now I’m reassured!
…it’s amazing how much he’s changed my life—my priorities, my patience, my expectations
You know, it’s funny to me that my children didn’t even come to mind when thinking about who I would post on. Now I realize they have definitely created much change in me, but I suppose it has been oh so very gradual I hadn’t really noticed it until you made me think about it. Having them has taught me what unconditional love is. Having them love me has brought me pure joy. This was a great post!! And thank you SO much for participating! I have the entries for Day 6 up on my blog now, including yours.
Don’t delete the post.
If you want to delete my comments.
Maybe we’re dealing here with a cultural difference.
Might be the difference of putting things like expensive vases out of reach of children untill they understand what “no” means, or accept that things get broken.
There is much emphasis in our country at the moment on not accepting behaviour that you wouldn’t accept when they’re a bit older.
Maybe it’s an age difference… My children are much older. I have 6.
My last sentence is not to show I have an issue.
I made my choices and I live with them.
I wanted to demonstrate that the choices you make now influence your life when you’re older.
But, like I said.. just delete my comments when you feel you want to.
I didn’t want to take your happiness, just wanted to add some awareness.
Don’t delete the post Jordan. To me your post says that Hayden is in your life, you’re making huge adjustments and just when you start to think you’re perhaps stuck in a bit of a rut with what you can and can’t do with him, he shows you that you can do some different things now and that he can adjust to that.
As for breaking glasses, he was too young to understand any consequences of his actions, even though I’m sure you weren’t happy about it at the time.
I think our kids can teach us a lot, just as much, if not more than we teach them and I’ll bet you’re doing a great job.
Motherhood, kids are catalyst to change.
http://zamejias.blogspot.com/2007/07/22-on-motherhood-i-am-different.html
Am glad you did not delete your post, because I wouldn’t have been able to read it now.
I think I’ll reiterate what everyone else has said…DON’T DELETE YOUR POST JORDAN! And although I’m not a mother…I totally understood what you wrote in your post just by the simple fact that I have a mother who does things like that ALL the time.
For example, whenever I’m home my mother makes my favorite meal for dinner, even though no one else likes it and she has to make a separate dish for everyone else. Now she doesn’t do it everytime (she’s not THAT accomodating) but a good 90% of the time she’ll go out of her way to make sure I’m happy and well-fed. And I think she does it for those reasons, but also because it must make her feel good that there are still ways she can take care of her adult daughter by doing things for me that I never do for myself.
Another crazy thing she does JUST FOR ME…is always buying Hallmark cards. It’s totally insane and everyone in the family hates how they get those generic cards that you can buy a box of at at time…and I get Hallmark. (Because I truly internalized that advertissement they did that said that Hallmark “shows you care”) It’s silly and wasteful really…and even though now I’ve announced that I no longer need Hallmark for Halloween or Get Well cards, my mother still puts a smile on my face when I see that Hallmark seal on the back.
And if that isn’t THE CUTEST little boy in the west coast! I don’t know who is! You and Ryan have a beautiful big boy! Look at all those teeth!
@Laane—There’s a world of difference between “not accepting behaviour that you wouldn’t accept when they’re a bit older” and acknowledging that children—like everyone—make mistakes. He was 15 months old. It wasn’t an act of willful disobedience; it was just an accident.
I’ll never be able to save every possession that I value from his ever-lengthening arms, despite my months of vigilance. The point of the post was that having a child meant that I have to accommodate him, but NOT sacrifice everything for him. I have never and probably will never be able to do that.
I’m not a martyr. I never, ever said I was. I never said that I love living my life for my son, or that I’m grateful he changed my priorities. As selfish as it sounds, I honestly don’t live for him, and I wouldn’t be happy if I did it all the time. The point of the post was that he has changed my priorities, as children inevitably do, and that I’m beginning to accept it. The glasses are immaterial. I’m sorry that that story stood in the way of my point.
As long as you can see out of your glasses, they are fine.
As long as you want to read your post, it is fine.
As long as you and Hayden are both thriving in your relationship, you are both fine.
As long as there is room for both of you to become yourselves, life can be a wonderful adventure.
I think you should get new glasses….but it does make me laugh to think about them. I don’t see how it would upset Hayden. Just don’t wear them around him. whatever I don’t really care what you do. I don’t live near you or see you enough to care what you put on your big ole head at night!
PS brooke thought what I said was mean but I wasn’t intending it to be. I’m your little sister and if I want to say that you have a big ole head then I can