Why is MamaBlogga all about mom’s search for meaning, finding fulfillment in motherhood? There are lots of other ways to find fulfillment; can’t those tide a mother over until she’s done raising her kids and can get on with her life?
I suppose so. But I think that a “let me just get through this and then get on with my life” is a recipe for resentment. I should know—about every other week, I change my plans for the time when my all my kids will be in school, hopefully in about a decade. I’ll go get a PhD, I’ll speak at conferences, I’ll write a book—someday, someday, someday.
It’s a bit like living our lives according to a strict religious code, thinking, “If I can just do this incredibly hard, arduous task now, I’ll be happy in Heaven forever.” Yes, you will—but I believe that God wants us to be happy now, and His commandments are given to us to help us be happier. (After all, don’t you think we’ll be living those same commandments in Heaven? Will we magically be happy doing something there that we resented doing here?)
Whether or not you believe as I do, you probably have (or want) children right now. I want every mother to be able to feel fulfillment and pride as a mother—now, not just in fifteen or twenty years when her children are grown, when they’re “accomplishments.”
We’re often told that this is impossible. The Harvard Business School’s model of success used to be: “Achievement.” We’re told that in motherhood, there are no achievements. There’s nothing you can put on a resume, get a bonus for or show off to your friends. (Okay, well, there’s potty training.)
If you are feeling this way, I want you to know that those people are wrong. Many of the things that count as “achievements” in this life—landing a contract, winning a case, even truly good and important things—will fade in significance more quickly than we expect. The Harvard Business School revised its model of success to include happiness, significance and legacy. Many will tell you that motherhood doesn’t provide these either. They are wrong.
There is nothing more significant you can do than to instill values into your children’s hearts. I know you want to do this—most of this month’s Group Writing Project entries have directly addressed or alluded to some kind of values, whether it be courtesy, family, self-worth or religious beliefs.
I won’t lie to you: it’s not easy. But it is worth it. One day, I hope and pray, I will see the people my children have become. I will be matriarch over a clan of children, children-in-law, grandchildren (and hopefully sisters, brothers-in-law, nieces, nephews and their posterity, if we live close enough). And even when our dozens of friends and family come all together, say, for my child’s wedding, I will only see a small portion of the good works our family will have wrought. That is significance, happiness and legacy.
But that’s “Heaven” (on Earth). While I look forward to that day, I don’t just have to live for that day, and neither do you.
Enjoy today. Be fulfilled today. One of the first things you have to do to be fulfilled is to recognize that what you do is significant. Yes, even keeping the toddler out of the cat food.
Mothers matter. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Mothers matter and you matter.
13 replies on “Why fulfillment?”
Sorry for the confusion, it’s not really a NOMINATION as much as a WIN. Semantics error. You’ve got it. You can put the button on your blogs if you want to and then give the award to five others. Kind of like the Thinking BLogger thing.
If you have problems putting the button up, drop me a note and I’ll send you my code.
That’s what I thought. Thanks so much! I’ll probably put it up over the weekend. I’m really excited to have my first “bloggy” award!
For me, one of the first steps of feeling fulfilled as a mother is actually WANTING to be a Mom. You need to be okay with staying home taking care of the kids (if your situation allows). When you enjoy something (yes, even changing diapers) it doesn’t seem so hard.
Next step is that you shouldn’t be ashamed to say you stay at home taking care of your kids fulltime. If you do feel ashamed, or if you feel like you need to add more to your SAHM title, then you aren’t fulfilled.
This is so true. I’ve found myself in the “if I just get through this…” rut many times. But I’ve decided not to see motherhood as something to “get through” but as a part of life to cherish and enjoy.
I’ve been in a “if I could just get through this” rut all week. I think acknowledging that there can be rough patches is important. But instead of saying “if I could just get through toddlerhood” (or motherhood), instead of making the problem ourselves or our children, maybe we should tell ourselves that it’s hard sometimes, and this is just a rough day or week.
(We’re going through the two-naps-to-one-nap transition. It’s tough afternoon a lot around here.)
It’s a hard thing this fulfillment. I became a mother unexpectedly, well pregnant unexpectedly and it hadn’t been in my life plan at all.
Now my son is part of me being fulfilled (especially lately) but not the only thing and it’s good to get a reminder that the world doesn’t have to be on hold to be fulfilled while our kids are young.
Jen, I agree that there are many other things in my life that contribute to feeling fulfilled, not the least of which is my job or blogging (not to mention my marriage). The thing that I’m worried about is people thinking it’s impossible to find fulfillment as a mother, and that only other things will bring fulfillment.
Fulfillment in the past has been a little elusive for me. I have spent too much time looking and planning for that time where I will “be at my peak” and doing something of “importance”. I always pictured that time as a big, grand, public event What I failed to notice is that as a mother, the time is now. I needed to realize that I am of utmost importance to the beautiful souls that I brought into the world. It took a third little surprise in our family to help me realize that I just had to let go of the control and stop searching for the next best thing. I have 3 beautiful children, that I now consider my biggest accomplishment. Thanks for your post!
What a great entry.
Sometimes I feel like I let things slide in favor of doing something my son wants/needs… but, for the most part, I feel more fulfilled with him in my life than I ever did before. And, I feel accomplished just getting through the day as I never did before.
And, I laughed so hard at the part about the cat food. Though, for me, it’s the dogs’ food and water. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to clean up that mess!
Hayden discovered the fun of dumping the cat’s food into the water bowl today. It looked delicious.
I really do think he eats it sometimes.
[…] wrote a great post on seeing motherhood inthis way can cause resentment. Her post Why fulfillment? definitely spoke to me. Why not be proud of our accomplishments now, as mothers. Taking pride in […]
I often feel unappreciated in my job, much less than in motherhood. Public school teachers are not well-liked in my neck of the woods. I’ve been verbally attacked so many times it’s made me consider quitting. But motherhood; whether my kids know it or not, I’ve done right by them.
I really needed to hear this today. Thanks!