Hayden and the new baby

Hayden had a cute moment with his new cousin, Landon, yesterday.

Y’know, who knows what he’s thinking, but I like to imagine he’s thinking, “Look! A person that’s actually smaller than I am!” That or, “What’s all over his head?”

Hayden was actually reasonably gentle with Landon. It was cute. I asked Hayden how he’d feel about getting one of those of our own. He didn’t say anything (go figure).

I still debate when and even if we’ll have more children. It’s especially hard during a week like this, with Hayden refusing to sleep three nights this week. Add that on top of a year where he’s slept through the night about 15 times—I’m exhausted. Ryan and I have worked hard to make sure our mortgage is our only debt financially. However, I’ve racked up so much sleep debt in the last year that I’m near bankruptcy.

You can’t tell me there is a single profession in the world harder than rearing children. You work from sun up to sun down—and then you’re on call all night long. I must be doing something wrong because Hayden seems to think that I’m an all night diner OR that after about two or three hours of sleeping he’s all set.

I know I have to put Hayden’s needs first—but after a year of getting up 3, 4, 5, 6 or 7 times a night I feel like he’s trying to break my spirit and pound it into my soul that my wants and needs don’t come second. They don’t come last. They’re not even on the list.

I know that he’s just a baby and that he doesn’t understand that other people might have needs other than satisfying his own. I have just gotten so used to living like this that I’m beginning to feel like I only exist when I’m servicing someone else’s needs. When I’m not serving someone else, I may as well not even be here.

I’m hoping that if I could just sleep through the night, I’ll be less sad and frustrated and more happy and patient. And I’ll try not to worry so much about whether I’m mentally stable enough to do this all over again.

Update, 5 Feb: This post is featured in the Carnival of Family Life #40. Thank you to all my fellow mamas for your support: I feel like I’ve been hugged after reading your comments! Things have gotten a little better since last week; he often gives us a 4 hour stretch of sleep now. And yes, we’ll have another. Isn’t it funny how one week you’re so in love with them that you simply must have another, and the next week you doubt your sanity for ever wanting kids?