In case it’s been a while since you’ve been there, sleep is a pretty hot topic for new moms. Okay, it’s a pretty hot topic for all moms, but it’s especially dear to the heart of ones who are waking up two, three or seven times a night. (And as a note, that was me waking up seven times a night with Hayden when he was a year old. Thankfully, he sleeps through the night now.)
There is a good reason why this topic is so important to mothers who can’t get any sleep: we are programmed with an innate need for a minimum amount of sleep. As any new mom can tell you, go without sleep long enough and you can actually go insane. Check out at nican for more updates.
But losing sleep isn’t the only thing that can drive you crazy—when Hayden was little, it was just the thought that I would be passing another interrupted night of little sleep that could induce a near-anxiety attack at bedtime.
As I’ve mentioned before (a long time ago), there are several different schools of thought when it comes to issues like baby’s sleep. One school of thought is that you have to let the baby grow out of it naturally—letting a baby cry is cruel and damaging to their little psyche, so suck it up and deal with it. After all, we did sign up for this when we decided to have a baby.
I agree—a little. We did sign up for this when we decided to have a baby. At the same time, I do still consider my sleep a physical need, not a luxury, especially when I have to manage to be patient with a two-year-old during the day.
But as we have children, we do have to drastically alter our expectations of ourselves. When I had Hayden, I basically had to relearn how to get everything done. Now, I am again relearning how to do everything while juggling two kids who both want my attention and managing to keep the house livable (not clean, just not bad enough to get me sent to jail) and everyone else fed.
On the other hand, as parents it is our duty to teach our children to be capable, responsible, independent people. Part of this is learning to sleep. That’s right, learning to sleep. As any new mother can attest, sleeping is a learned skill that babies haven’t learned yet. Yes, we all have an inborn ability to sleep, but falling asleep and staying that way isn’t easy. Just ask Rebecca—it can take her up to six hours.
So we’re still working on learning this skill, but I still believe that it’s important to help a baby learn to sleep—and sleep through the night (after a certain point, of course). It’s not because I’m insensitive or I expect to get back to “normal” ASAP—it’s because it’s what will be best for all of us, now and in the long run.
14 replies on “The hot topic for new moms: sleep”
I disagree, but let’s say I did agree. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. You can do all you want to try to get said child to sleep through the night when you are ready, but you can’t make it happen every time until s/he is ready.
Then I think you misunderstand. I never, ever said that I expect her to sleep through the night now. In fact, I didn’t say anything about Rebecca sleeping through the night. She’s seven weeks old. I’m not stupid.
She does need to learn to fall asleep on her own. If, instead, I teach her to fall asleep only in my arms, only with me there, only by nursing, etc., I will either have to do that for months or years or I’ll have to teach her another way to fall asleep.
Amen and amen. Personally, I wonder if the people who say that you should never let a baby cry has never had children or their children slept through the night at three weeks so they only dealt with sleep deprivation for a minimal time. I despise letting my boys cry when they’re learning how to sleep. It eats my guts out. But for their sake and our family’s sake, I did it. And now, because of the hard work by all family members, everyone sleeps until 8 am (except Bret, who has to be at work at 8). We were lucky with Jeffrey, he figured out how to sleep by three months. Adam and Wes needed a bit longer- six months and change.
We certainly did sign up for this, but I don’t think any mom who voices her desire for sleep should be interpreted as saying, “I’m a selfish jerk who is totally ignorant to babies’ needs,” (which is what it seems like some people interpret it as). Like you said, “…as parents it is our duty to teach our children to be capable, responsible, independent people. Part of this is learning to sleep.” Once again, amen. I think helping our kids learn to sleep is probably good preparation for the emotional suffering we’ll face as they get older and have to deal with the consequences of choices they make. That said, this is all easier to say now that I get a full nights sleep again:)
First of all, I never did, nor would I, call you “stupid.” I disagreed, and I did so respectfully. Trust me, I take enough heat for my own AP style that I am and would be the last person to dish it and name-call when it comes to parenting styles.
I agree that it is my duty to teach my son “to be capable, responsible and independent,” but I also believe that he will be those things in his own time. I will/have/do nurse him to sleep when that is what he needs. At 21 months, he no longer needs it as often, and that is fine. He has taught himself to fall asleep his own ways at his own pace– after his medical complication was resolved. I don’t believe my son needs to be prepared through sleep to suffer emotionally.
I saved my sanity by co-sleeping. It’s not for everyone, but it work/s for me. At daycare, he sleeps in his cot just fine–falling asleep on his own. With daddy, he reads and snuggles. He needs different things from different people.
I didn’t say you called me stupid. I’m simply stating that I have enough common sense not to expect things from my daughter that she’s not physically capable of.
I nursed my son to sleep for six months, and I was adamant that it was a good thing until I had to be at church right at bedtime and Hayden screamed himself to sleep for my husband. It wasn’t fair to Hayden or to my husband on those occasions when I couldn’t be there.
Consistently teaching him to fall asleep on his own (note that I have never said cry it out because that’s not what I mean) was probably better for his psyche than inconsistently forcing him to sleep without a crutch.
We also had him in our bed for three months, but by then, it was all “co” and no “sleep.” Putting him in his own bed immediately improved all of our sleep.
I’m not abandoning my children in a cold, dark room to scream for hours on end, proving to them that mommy doesn’t actually care about their tears. That is not the case and I certainly didn’t say it was. Again, Rebecca is seven weeks old. I wouldn’t leave her alone screaming for six hours and expect her to just fall asleep.
When she goes on these all-night jags, one or both of us are right there with her. If she can stop crying long enough to nurse, nursing calms her for a little while during these times, but almost never puts her to sleep (and on the rare occasions it does, it’s such a light sleep that she immediately awakens).
She does usually sleep in my arms at night because she makes too much noise in the cradle, but simply being held and rocked, walked, worn, swung, sung to, swaddled, nursed or pacified does nothing to get her to sleep. She’ll have to learn to fall asleep on her own.
I’d just like to say, once again, that I was not my intent to sound as if I were judging. Merely disagreeing, though after your last comment, perhaps not even disagreeing. None the less, if I did light a fire, I apologize. Certainly with a new baby you have enough stress, and I did not mean to cause you any additional stress.
Thanks Maria. 😀
Perhaps I should clarify myself as well. I hope I didn’t come off as a heartless mom who left her helpless babies to cry in the dark. I’m not into “crying it out” as the term is generally taken (mention “cry” and “sleep” in the same sentence and minds automatically jump to dark rooms and poor babies who have been screaming for hours; I admire your guts for broaching the subject, Jordan). I did the five-ten-fifteen minute deal with my boys and I hated it…but it worked. And to be more clear, I think teaching our kids how to sleep is crazy hard on the parents’ emotions, thus teaching them early how to cope with the stress that will continue to pop up as they watch their children grow and make their own choices. And that’s still not coming out as clearly as I’d like it to, but it’ll have to suffice for now.
OK – this is a sensitive topic for me. I agree, and yet the reality is far from what I want. When it comes to getting some sleep myself versus staying up all hours trying to get a crying baby to sleep, I generally go the route of getting sleep myself. And so we still have sleep issues at 17 months. I’ll put baby to sleep in her bed, which works fine for a while, and then she starts crying more and more until it’s back in our bed, until we go through the cycle all over again. My baby’s needs are constantly changing as she teeths, goes through jet lag, etc. so what seems to work one time never works constantly.
With the risk of sounding preachy, I’ll tell you that my girls are 28 months (yesterday!) and I’ve never let them cry. Two of them will STTN and the third wakes between 4:30 and 6:00 for a diaper and a couple ounces of milk and then sleeps until 8:00.
Hard? Yes. You could ask dh how many times I’ve threatened to let the girls CIO during a particularly restless bedtime, but I’m sure he’s lost count.
It was something that dh and I discussed and agreed on. Children will grow and mature in time and we aren’t in a rush to make them. After all, how many college kids go to bed snuggled in their mom’s arms?
As I said above, I never said cry it out. I don’t mean cry it out. Believe it or not, there are other ways to help a child go to sleep. Why is it that we must assume that if a baby is crying at night, she’s alone?
I repeat: Rebecca is seven, now almost eight, weeks old. There is not a method of sleep teaching that advocates letting a tiny infant cry alone for six hours.
She cried in our arms until we couldn’t hold her anymore. Then she cried in a cradle in our room. Then we picked her up again.
CIO doesn’t always mean alone. I’ve been around children crying ant their parents ignoring it because they “believe in self-soothing.”
OK Jordan- I think this post was about sleep and how you can’t wait to sleep but understand that your newborn is just that-a newborn and it’s not possible yet.
Seems as though the comments got way off and I know it’s probably getting frustrating. Poor thing and your sleep deprived!
So my two cents: I pray you get at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep tonight ok?:)
Thanks Misi!