Category: Fulfillment

Motherhood shouldn’t just be a drudgery. Find fulfillment in your most important calling–mother.

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Fulfillment Faith

What really matters? Motherhood

Every year at my alma mater, they hold a women’s conference with wonderful, inspiring speakers.

One of this year’s most notable speakers was Sheri Dew, a writer, speaker, delegate to the Commission on the Status of Women at the United Nations and President and CEO of Desert Book publishing company. While Sheri Dew has not had the opportunity to marry or have children, she is still a staunch defender of the family and motherhood.

In her talk this year, she spoke about the influence of good women in the world, saying “No one has more influence on husbands than wives, on children than their mothers, or on young men than young women. Show me the women of any family or community, and I will show you the character and soul of that family and community.”

She characterized the lies that the world (and, as this is a religious setting, you can guess to what source she attributed the world’s lies) tells about womanhood and motherhood:

Lucifer has worked with a vengeance to distort the very definition of womanhood and to confuse everyone about us, including us.

Here are just a few of Lucifer’s lies: That men are smarter, have all the power, and are more important, so if we want to have influence we should be more like them; that marriage and family are confining; that motherhood is menial and a waste of any talented woman’s time; that women are perpetually frazzled and failing; and that a woman’s value is based on her size, shape and what she accomplishes outside the home.

Any of that sound familiar? Or disturbingly like some comments I came across recently?

Dew continues (italics hers, bold mine):

Too many women have bought these lies. Our culture is disintegrating at the speed of light, and unfortunately, our gender is doing a lot of the damage. Sleazy, immoral, cunning women who flaunt their indiscretions jam the airwaves and monopolize magazine covers. Yet we watch their shows, donate to their causes, and even see them as models. . . .

Other distortions are equally troubling. Consider this headline: “The World’s 100 Most Powerful Women” (Forbes, 17 September 2007). I bought this magazine because it made me mad. Every woman listed is a politician, an entertainer, or a CEO. I mean no disrespect to any women listed. What I dispute is the bold distortion that in order to have influence, a woman must have money, fame, or a title. That is a big, fat lie!

How many times a day do we get the message that motherhood doesn’t matter as much as a contribution we might be making in the workplace? How often are working moms told that the time they spend away from their children is far more valuable and has a bigger, more important impact in the world than the precious time they get to spend with their children?

I know I’m not the only one who’s heard these negative messages on motherhood from the world. Dew also knows that the world sends us these messages constantly, but she reminds us of what really matters:

Here is the truth about womanhood. Our Father gave His daughters a divine endowment of gifts that give us unique influence. First and foremost, we have the high privilege of bearing children. If mortality is the time in all eternity to prove ourselves, then there is nothing more important than bearing children and leading them along the path home. President David O. McKay said that, “motherhood is the greatest potential influence . . . in human life” (Improvement Era, 1953, 452).

And for those of us who believe that God appointed this vital and holy role to women, she adds that “We are the Lord’s secret weapon. Pre-mortally [in the spirit world where we lived before we came here], when our Father described our role, we must have shouted for joy because of the ennobling stature He gave women in His kingdom. The world won’t tell us this stunning truth, but the Spirit will.”

I encourage you to read the full text of Sheri Dew’s inspiring talk—and to be reminded of what really matters in this life.

What do you do to try to keep this perspective when no one else seems to agree?

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Kids/Parenting Ryan/Married Life Fulfillment

Stupid comment on motherhood #15,346,762,457

I came across a Wall Street Journal blog post this week on a study showing fewer mothers “opt out” (a term I haven’t heard used before, but okay) of working after the birth of their children. There were a number of insightful comments pointing out potential flaws in the study.

There was also a good discussion on “how can we justify the institutional and social investments made in these women with specialized professional degrees who don’t use them?” with lots of well-reasoned answers (my answer: being overqualified to raise children and choosing to guide and raise our own children makes us a drain on society?)

But that wasn’t the comment that really got under my skin. It was a response to a mother’s anecdotal observation about mothers in her child’s preschool class:

[from the original comment] “In my daughter’s preschool class of 18 kids – maybe 4 or 5 moms work. I am one of two that work full time. In my immediate circle of friends that I met while on maternity leave – I was 1 out of 7 women to return to work. Four years later and I am the only one working. These women are former lawyers and professionals.”

[this anonymous person’s response] There must be a lot of key parties in your neighborhood!

What do these woman talk about with their husbands besides the kiddies? No wonder married men cheat!

I hesitate to say anything because, well, from this comment it’s obvious that this person has absolutely no understanding of anything they mentioned, and not just parenting—everything from human nature to marriage to fidelity to working. But I think there is a pervasive attitude of “What do you do all day?” underlying this comment and society’s perception of stay-at-home mothers.

But let’s take this one point at a time.

“There must be a lot of key parties in your neighborhood!”

A key party is one of those parties held by swinger-types (men put keys in the bowl, women take them out and go home with the owner of the keys). What that has to do with the rest of the argument is beyond me, since apparently everyone in the neighborhood is a SAHM—and I’m pretty sure the premise of a key party isn’t to have an interesting conversation. (And who says that working or staying home has any impact in this area anyway?)

“What do these woman talk about with their husbands besides the kiddies?”

Underlying assumptions here: children are boring; men couldn’t possibly be interested in the daily adventures of their children; any and all jobs are more interesting than raising children and better conversation fodder.

In all the words in my vocabulary, “boring” isn’t one I could apply to my child (soon to be children). Granted, I’m not going to argue that every single day is filled with excitement, interesting activities and new milestones. I do get bored sometimes during the ten to twelve hours I spend with Hayden.

Frankly, however, when I worked full time my job was way more boring. I enjoyed it to an extent, but spending eight hours in front of a computer screen has a bit of a stultifying effect on pretty much anyone. My husband works four ten-hour days a week, and I have a hard time getting more than 10-15 minutes of description about each day out of him (and he’s not the taciturn type).

I’m actually not a SAHM; I work from home (WAHM, I guess) 10 hours a week. But even now, while I enjoy my job, it’s not always interesting—and very rarely is it worth talking about with Ryan, who doesn’t know very much about my field anyway.

Maybe this person has a fascinating job and can regale crowds for hours with tales from each day at work, but the rest of us living in the real world almost always don’t. And even if we had things that we found interesting happen during the day, odds are good that our spouses don’t work in the same field and wouldn’t necessarily find them interesting.

On the other hand, fathers have a bit of a vested interest in the wellbeing of their children. If they can’t stand to hear the highlights of the previous ten hours for at most 30 minutes (and that’s if no one else says anything during dinner), then they should probably be subjected to it for that very reason.

Oh, and since this person asked: my husband loves to hear about my day with Hayden. Perhaps once a week, we’ll talk about my job. I try to get him to talk to me about his job, but he usually is in decompression mode during dinner, and doesn’t want to talk until later (or he’s so eager to talk that he’s already told me everything by the time we sit down).

Aside from Hayden, we talk about news, politics, philosophy, history, psychology, sociology, finances, investments, literature, television, films, etc. You know, the things that most other married couples talk about. Guess what? I might be a mother, but I didn’t go put my brain in the toy box.

But here’s my favorite part of the comment:

No wonder married men cheat!

Yeah. Let’s do an informal survey: if you’re a married man, would you cheat if your wife subjected you to hearing about your children? Otherwise boring dinner conversation?

No? How strange.

Just so we can be fair with the stereotypes, here’s my perception of the “professional” couple without children’s dinner conversation: . . . . Oh wait, they’re both still at work.

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Fulfillment

The Taming of the Mom

I have seen The Taming of the Shrew, I think, once (Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton version; I’ve seen 10 Things I Hate About You at least a few times, but somehow I don’t think that counts). There’s a production of Shrew at this year’s Utah Shakespearean Festival, and the feature in the Living section of the paper on Sunday was on the play.

If you’ve forgotten, the eponymous shrew is Katharina (Kate in this updated version), who is rather mean and abusive toward men, especially suitors. In the end, though, she is “tamed” and accepts one Petruchio as her husband (who gave as good as he got).

Katharina’s final soliloquy seems to show a drastic change in character (selection below for Shakespeare lovers) that explains why she would agree to marry (finally). The speech goes on about how hard husbands work for their wives and all husbands want is a little obedience and a kind look, and that’s not really asking that much, etc.

These lines are often ridiculed as an outdated view of marriage, clearly a product of their time that has no place in ours. And, of course, to an extent I agree that this oversimplified view of women’s subservience and subjugation isn’t a proper definition of marriage.

But what I found interesting was the actress’s (Melinda Parrett) take on the lines (emphasis added, source):

[I]n the contest of this production, Parrett finds Kate’s words moving and affirming.

“It’s not about losing yourself,” she said. “It’s about finding out who you are in relation to someone else. What I hear is that life is too short—love requires give and take, and we should simply relax and offer support to each other. I get choked up over it. It’s what I hope to feel someday.”

Although marriage and motherhood are usually related 😉 , when I read that quotation I wasn’t thinking about my husband. I was thinking about becoming a mother. For my husband and me, despite a short courtship, the transition to marriage was . . . well, what transition? Do you mean moving in together?

But for me, the transition to motherhood was very hard, and, of necessity, very sudden. I struggled for months (and sometimes still struggle) to define myself as a person and not only as a mother. I often feared that anything that was once unique about me, anything that I enjoyed or valued as an individual, would be obliterated by the full-time obligation entailed in having a child.

“It’s not about losing yourself. It’s about finding out who you are in relation to someone else.” Certainly this applies to marriage, but in an even deeper way, it’s applied to me as a mother. In some ways, I do (or did) feel that I had to lose myself—but only to find a new self, someone who was not “just” a mother, not “only” a mother, not “solely” a mother.

Someone who was a mother and proud to be a mother—but was still me.

Did you find it difficult to “find out who you are in relation to someone else” when you married or became a mother?

Continue reading “The Taming of the Mom”
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Fulfillment

Dads are responsible (and important!)

The stats are alarming: more and more children are being born out of wedlock, divorce is on the rise, workaholism, absenteeism, and just plain abandonment result in more and more children being raised without fathers. Now, of course, I think mothers are wonderful and vital to a child’s growth and development—but really, we can’t do it all by ourselves.

Aside from potentially increasing the difficulty level of parenting for a mother, children who grow up without a father involved in their lives face long odds:

Boys without the substantial presence of a father are 70 percent more likely to commit violent crimes, and each year spent without a dad in the home increases the odds of future incarceration by 5 percent.

Girls without the substantial presence of a father are 150 percent more likely to become pregnant during the teen years and will experience 92 percent more marriage breakups than girls raised with two parents.

Both girls and boys raised without fathers are substantially more likely to be sexually abused than their peers in two-parent homes.

—As cited in Nurture the Nature by Michael Gurian

Does having a dad around automatically ensure that all will go smoothly for mothers and children? Of course not. But statistically speaking, it certainly helps.

With all these stats piling up around us, it’s easy to think that the world is sinking into a vicious cycle which can only perpetuate itself. But let me remind you: there are still lots of great dads out there. Dads that take the time to be involved in their children’s lives, whether or not they live together.

So here’s to all the dads that make the time to play with their children, help them with homework or chores, and really try to get to know them. Because there are still plenty of good, responsible dads out there (they just don’t always make the headlines).

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Fulfillment

Dads are capable

It’s easy and funny to think of dads as all but inept. Think of your favorite “family” sitcom. How many times does the dad on that show make a terrible parenting decision (usually with humorous consequences instead of, y’know, killing the children)? How many times does the dad on the show act lost when confronted by a problem in parenting? How many times does the mother have to bail him out of the mess he’s made as a parent?

Granted, these things are funny—very funny to mothers especially, because we get to look like the ones who know what’s up. But really, when you put it in generic terms instead of describing incidents from a show, it starts to sound less like “oh, there goes Dad again” and more like “yep, dads are supposed to fail.” And that’s not really funny . . . that’s kind of closer to what I call cruel. (But you don’t have to feel guilty for laughing; that’s what sitcoms are for, after all.)

When it comes to the real life dads around us, though, I certainly don’t see the same standard of behavior. My sample is probably biased, since maybe I do know more good dads personally.

But the vast majority of the men I know can change a diaper without any help. They can take care of the kids solo—and not call it “babysitting,” and not lose a child (literally or metaphorically). They can even bathe them and put them to bed all by themselves.

What can the dads in your life do that TV dads can’t?

We’re making Father’s Day fabulous this week!

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Fulfillment

Making Father’s Day Merry (Fabulous?)

Naturally, I made a rather big deal out of Mother’s day last month. But I also want to make a rather big deal out of Father’s Day (this Sunday!).

Really, this isn’t just in the interest of Title IV, gender equality, parity and all that. It’s because I really believe that honoring fatherhood is an important part of honoring motherhood.

It’s easy to find fault with fathers—and the media is a big help there. But for all the negative attention that dads get, I know that there are lots of fathers out there stepping up and doing a great job.

It’s also easy for we mothers to get so caught up in how difficult our lives are and how much is expected of us that we gloss over the expectations for father—and sometimes that’s partially because the media has set such a low expectation for them.

But guess what. There are lots of REAL DADS out there doing great things. Dads that are capable. Dads that are responsible. And though they’re not always the best at expressing it (or at least not how we expect them to), dads that are loving.

Dads are important. They’re not the same as mothers, but they’re still vital in their own role.

Want to brag on a dad in your life? Post a comment here—we’ll be talking about this for the rest of the week—or respond on your blog!