Category: Fulfillment

Motherhood shouldn’t just be a drudgery. Find fulfillment in your most important calling–mother.

Categories
Fulfillment Faith

The next stage of life

I don’t normally share my fiction on MamaBlogga, but today I’ll make an exception. I’m taking a free course in writing fiction just for fun. I did an activity today which asked me to make a character who thought and felt like I do but was different from me in some major way—big age difference, opposite gender or something like that. I’ve been thinking about being satisfied with the stage of life I’m in now and here is what I came up with:

The next stage of life

She was ready, she thought, to move on. Though she didn’t really know what the future would hold—and who of us can say that they do?—she had a reasonably good suspicion of the future that would await her.

And it would have to be better than this. This body that just couldn’t do what it used to. It didn’t even do what she wanted anymore. It was incapable of the simplest tasks. She had spent years caring for others—her children, her husband, her friends—with these hands and these legs and this mind, but now she couldn’t even take care of herself.

Would she miss her body? A body was supposed to be a blessing. It was supposed to be something that enabled you to do more than a spirit alone could. But now her body was more like a trap; a cage for her spirit.

If she could get to a mirror, she could see her unkempt, wiry white hair, her deeply wrinkled face, her stooped posture. How had she come to this? Surely this was not what life was supposed to give her. Surely this was not what God intended.

And yet she knew it was. Aging was a natural—vital, even—part of life. Sometimes, in weaker moments, she thought that the real reason behind growing old was to make you ready to leave this life by making you hate what was left of it.

Surely she would appreciate the next life more. Surely she wouldn’t miss anything about this phase of her life.

In her weaker moments, she worried that her lack of contentment in this difficult phase of her life would plague her in the next.

That was the only thing that she feared in death.

I wonder if that’s how I’ll feel at the end of my life if I haven’t learned to be satisfied with my season in life by then. Every season has its drawbacks and the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. How can we learn to focus on our own grass and notice its beauty, rather than dreaming about the grass we’ll grow next year or the sod we hope to buy soon?

Categories
Fulfillment

Fighting (for) fulfillment

Late last summer, I was suffering from a bad case of the “Mommy Doldrums.” I was in the grocery store and spoke with a cashier there. She was four months pregnant with her first child—much sooner than she’d planned on becoming a mother. Once I’d said my congratulations, I felt compelled to say something more—the classic, cliché things all mothers are supposed to say to soon-to-be mothers: “It’s so wonderful; it’s so worth it; they’re such a joy” etc.

And I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell her those things because I didn’t feel them. Instead, I had to admit, right there in front of my own mother, “It’s so hard.” (I had to tell her; no one told me!)

I have to admit, if I haven’t already, that my own frustrations with motherhood are a large reason why I write a blog about finding fulfillment in motherhood. Now, of course, I know that no matter how hard you try, you won’t feel skippy-happy-let’s-have-eight-more-just-like-him every second of every day as a mother.

People who have never struggled with this feeling often don’t understand. I know someone will read this and think, “She just doesn’t love her children enough.” Think what you like, but I love my son very much. I’m not trying to say that motherhood isn’t wonderful, or worth it, or joyful. Every time I laugh with my son, or engage in a “conversation,” or comfort him, I know that I’m doing the right thing with my life. I wouldn’t wish him away.

What I was wishing for that day was just to hear someone else tell me that they struggle with motherhood from time to time—I struggled every day, it seemed like. For some reason, I felt as though no one else thinks motherhood is hard.

What is it that’s so hard for me at these times? What am I struggling with? It’s hard for me to understand and articulate myself. But I know that, in part, the difficulty that I’m experiencing can be attributed to Hayden’s age at the time: the constantly-on-the-go, exploring-everything-he-can-find bundle of impetuous, boundless curiosity that is a toddler can wear you out physically, emotionally and mentally.

At times like this, I’ve let insidious little lies creep into my thoughts—if I were a good mother, I wouldn’t feel this way about motherhood; I’d better get over this (or through this) before even beginning to think about having more kids; I must not love him enough.

Maybe this is really the root of the problem: I’m not really trusting myself to be the mom that I need to be. At these times, all I ever worry about and contemplate is how hard motherhood is for me (okay, and sometimes how hard my mothering must be on my son!). I mean, even writing this down makes me feel ashamed for being so self-centered.

I know that there’s more to motherhood than repeatedly battling a toddler for the privilege of wiping his backside, and I know that motherhood is a high and noble calling, but some days it’s just hard to think of that part.

How do you get past the “Mommy Doldrums”?

Note that I’m perfectly fine right now; this was written a while back.

Categories
Fulfillment Contests

Me time for moms

I think that “me time” is really important for mothers. I think most mothers would readily agree—in fact, I think that most mothers have so little downtime that we’re desperate for that one little minute we can claim as our own. And we’ll take it wherever we can get it.

Though it’s easy to look back and think that I haven’t really had any “me time” since my son was born, I know that isn’t the case. There was a while there where I got in the habit of getting up at 7, while Hayden suddenly began sleeping in until 8 or 9. I could get a jump start on work, I could write something great on MamaBlogga (well, as great as I get), I could read my favorite blogs, and not have to worry about my personal projects until Hayden went down for a nap.

And then he started waking up at 6:45.

When Hayden still took three naps, I had up to 5.5 hours to myself during the day—plenty of time to get lots of work done and spend time straightening up the house and doing things I wanted to do. Of course, as soon as I came to rely on this, Hayden stopped taking his third nap. After a while, two naps came to be more than adequate.

And then, of course, he was down to one, which has been whittled away until some days it’s not even enough to get all my work done. (Let’s not even discuss the normal state of disarray the house is in!)

But then there’s the other side of the coin—the special occasions where I get to go out (or stay home) without my family. And feel guilty or simply miss my family.

While I spend much of my time wishing for regular “me time,” I don’t know what I’d do if I took it!

Edited to add: as I read through your wonderful entries, I realized that “In my opinion, anything that helps you to feel recharged, happy and more or less ready to take the next onslaught of life’s challenges counts as ‘me time.'” This definition is much broader than what many of us think of—pampering, relaxation, etc. But this is what I’m looking for in “me time.”

Categories
Fulfillment

How can I show a mother that I value what she does?

Thanksgiving was “early” this year (November 22 is the earliest that the US holiday can be celebrated, in fact!). So this week, we get an extra long transition from the season of gratitude to the season of greed giving. A couple months ago, we talked about how others can show you (mothers) appreciation for what you do as a mother.

I think there is a distinction, albeit a fine one, between showing a mother than you appreciate her and what she does for her family and showing her that you value what she does. Naturally, if you truly value what a mother does, you should at least try to show that appreciation.

But sincere appreciation comes from actually valuing her efforts. It’s the thought that counts, right? I mean for this discussion to center less on acts of thanks, and more about the thought behind them—showing an attitude that mothers matter.

So, how can you and I and everyone around us 1.) develop the attitude that mothers matter and 2.) show it?

For the first part: does the world need to be convinced that mothers matter? Yes and no. We all understand that mothers are important. But on the other hand, mothers today feel a lot of pressure not to focus on “just being a mom,” as if “just being a mom” were a lowly, demeaning chore that is beneath any woman of learning or status.

While we may not be able to change the world today, I think it’s important that mothers themselves (and especially SAHMs) be the first to adopt and display the attitude that motherhood is a noble and important (even vital!) calling.

So how can we show we feel that way? Aside from being a real mother to our children, I think that one place to start is to stop putting the word “just” in your job description. You’re not “just a mom.” One of my favorite books on motherhood talks about this, and its title proudly proclaims I Am a Mother.

How do you think other mothers and nonmothers develop and show an attitude that mothers matter?

Categories
Fulfillment

Being hard on yourself

The other day, I got a comment that really touched my heart, though not in a way you might expect. It was left on my post about being grateful for Hayden. Here’s the beginning of that comment:

I think you are very hard on yourself Jordan.

And oh, is it true. I’m sure people have told me this before, but for some reason, this time I heard it. And I hadn’t been particularly hard on myself that day or anything. (Being particularly hard on myself is a day when I feel as though I have to apologize to Hayden, saying I’m sorry that he doesn’t have a better mother.)

But I was very happy to hear that someone else thought I was being hard on myself. Because you know what that means? It means I’m apparently doing better than I thought!

The comment continues:

Honestly from what you have written, I see a very grateful Mummy, who loves her son very very much and wants the best for him.

Motherhood is such a huge journey of the heart.

Amen. Thank you, Tiffany!!

Categories
Fulfillment

Patience in the journey

The major road that runs by my house is undergoing major construction. Has been for months, will be for at least another year (that’s the DOT estimate, so we should probably double it).

It is horrendous to drive. One week, all four lanes of traffic are stuffed into an area that will eventually house three lanes, the next week, they’re all on the other side of the road. There are more orange and white cones out there than I’ve seen Sego Lilies (the Utah State Flower) in my whole life. The cones courteously denote massive lane shifts, but as yet can’t help me when my traffic light is on the other side of the road—OHMYGOODNESSIT’SREDHITTHEBRAKES!!!!

However, I know that one day, probably many years from now, possibly after we move away from here, this road will be very nice. Although sometimes I lament that at the rate they’re going, by the time they finish it’ll be time to resurface it, I’m hoping that for at least a few months, we’ll be able to enjoy a wider, smoother and less congested road.

But until then, I’m going to be whining and complaining about the mess and the noise and the daily brushes with death.

And yesterday it hit me—this is pretty much the story of my life. I spend so much time obsessing over, worrying about and complaining about the stuff I don’t want to deal with today. Meanwhile, I keep looking (and hoping) for a smoother road ahead.

Will I ever know when I get there?