Category: Fulfillment

Motherhood shouldn’t just be a drudgery. Find fulfillment in your most important calling–mother.

Categories
Fulfillment Kids/Parenting Ryan/Married Life

Interview with . . . Me!

I’ve been doing several interviews lately, so I was excited to be interviewed as part of an interview meme by Mountain Mama. (I was even more excited to learn that she’s from the Old North State. Come on, you know, where the weak grow strong and the strong grow great.) (North Carolina. Geez.)

On to the questions!

Where is the one place in the world you have always wanted to go and why?
Europe. Probably because I’m an American. And beyond that, because I have a completely romanticized view of Europe. I dreamed of living in England when I was a teenager, and have since been quite taken with Spain (minored in Spanish in college). I’d also love to see Italy (again, highly romanticized view). Beforew we started dating, I learned my husband had backpacked through all these places. I could have smothered him with jealousy. I’ve made him promise to take me one day. I would have made him take me on our honeymoon there, but we thought it was better to go to New Zealand to meet his parents (they were missionaries there at the time).

What about you will most embarrass your children when they grow up?
Probably something terribly normal and stupid like driving them to school or wearing sweatpants or mom jeans. Possibly something obnoxious like this terrible tendency I have to always have to be right. Hopefully not our beliefs or a complete inability to shut up.

What skill or talent have you always wished you possessed?
Having a little boy, I should say athleticism. The only sport I can play is kickball. However, lately I’m really wishing I possessed patience. Man. And after playing the piano for 15 years, I wish I could play by ear. That’s probably the one I’ve “always” wished for. Or the best I can come up with right now.

Who or what do you think has been the greatest influence on your growth/development as a person and why?
Hands down, my religion. I made a quick list of things that it directly influenced: where I went to college, who and when I married, when we decided to have children, the closeness of my family of origin, the things I eat/drink, the standards I keep, the shows and movies I watch, the goals I have in life. Of course, my views on motherhood. It’s all encompassing and beautiful. Also, if it weren’t for my religion, my parents wouldn’t have met, being from opposite sides of the country—so basically I owe my entire existence!

What brings you the most satisfaction in life right now?
The little moments. Today, it was sitting on the couch with Ryan and Hayden. Snuggling with one (or better yet, both) of my boys and not having anything else in the world that I have to think or worry about, even if it’s just for that one minute. It’s especially sweet when Hayden initiates the snuggling. (I do like Ryan to initiate the snuggling, too, it’s just really special coming from my little boy who doesn’t have any other way to express his love.)

Want to be next?
Since this is a meme, it gets passed on. You know, memes are like viruses. Here’s how this one works:

1. Leave a comment, saying “Interview me.”

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to choose the questions.

3. Update your blog with the answers to my questions.

4. Include this explanation and offer to interview anyone who asks.

5. When someone asks to be interviewed, you will email them five questions of your choosing and they will answer on their blog. And so on and so forth.

Categories
Kids/Parenting Fulfillment Faith

Motherhood in perspective

When something goes wrong for Hayden, he sometimes has a tendency to overreact. I take away his current play thing, he screams. The ribbon from his balloon gets caught in his toes, he squeals and kicks. We try to see if he has any new molars, he arches his back, struggles and wails.

I’ve called him a bit of a drama “king” before. But really, I don’t expect anything different from someone who has no outlets or resources to draw upon when he’s frustrated. I also don’t expect anything different from a child of mine. I’m hardly any better than Hayden at handling my frustrations, despite decades of knowing better.

I’m trying to help Hayden learn other ways to deal with his frustration, even though they can’t really help him right now (things like, “You don’t have to scream, you can ask for help.”).

But really, both of our frustrations come from the same problem. It’s a larger problem than simple impatience. For me, it’s as if I develop tunnel vision. I can’t think of anything else in the world other than this insignificant thing. I always say, “I just expect things to work right.” And it’s true, I get frustrated when something doesn’t work as expected.

But really, my problem is that, for those moments at least, I lack perspective. Hayden isn’t old enough or experienced enough to see the big picture, but I should at least be developing that ability.

Perspective is often difficult to obtain. Sometimes one of the most difficult things to put into perspective is the big picture. For example, I know that in the big picture, I’m a mother. But what does being a mother mean?

The perspective that we’re given today says that motherhood doesn’t mean a ton. Darren Rowse at ProBlogger wrote an equation this week that struck me:

Personal Worth = What You Achieve + What Others Think of You

He was speaking in the context of blogging, of course, but acknowledged that his thoughts applied to other spheres. He continues:

The problem with this equation is that in every sphere of life (especially blogging) it is very difficult to live up to this equation. There are times in all of our lives where we fail or fall short of what we set out to achieve and where other people’s opinion of us are not high.

Rating our worth as a person in this way can be a trap and as bloggers it can be an easy one to fall into.

On a good day where traffic is up, people are saying nice things, all the blog ranking tools rate us highly and we’re getting good press it’s easy to be on top of the world – but when it all falls in a heap the lows can be very low if we tie our personal worth to how our blog performs.

Personal worth comes from something deeper than what you do (or fail to do) and what others think of you. I won’t push my own opinions of where this worth comes from (for me it’s tied to my spirituality) – however I encourage bloggers to do some realigning and gaining of perspective in this area.

Fulfillment, which today I’ll define as contentment with your assessment of your personal worth, doesn’t come from external factors. If we continually rely on others to give us fulfillment, we’ll find ourselves emptier than before.

Like Darren, my personal worth, my contentment with my role as a mother, comes from my spirituality (I’ve expounded on those beliefs recently). For me, my spirituality is one way of internalizing the big picture.

The big picture is that mothers matter. The big picture is that the greatest impact my life will create will probably not be the great American novel, even if I do write that novel. The big picture is that the most important thing that I can do with my life is to raise my son to be a good person.

I still struggle with the day to day frustrations, but keeping motherhood in perspective keeps me grounded. It helps me to recognize my personal worth. It doesn’t come from awards or professional achievements. It comes from recognizing the importance of tiny triumphs.

And for Hayden�and for me�a day without frustration would be a triumph indeed.

Categories
Fulfillment

Interview with Asha (Parent Hacks)

This week, Asha Dornfest, editor of the wildly popular parent blog Parent Hacks and writer/blogger extraordinaire, was kind enough to take some time to discuss fulfillment with me.

Read on to benefit from her insights!

How do you define fulfillment?

I used to think of fulfillment as a destination — something to aspire to, like “happiness.” But as I get older, I find that I grab onto fulfillment in smaller bits — in hours, or even minutes. I no longer expect the Nirvana-like arrival of “fulfillment.” I think in much smaller blocks of time.

How do you find personal fulfillment in your life?

I try to balance the energy coming in and the energy going out. So, if I’m spending a lot of time giving (to my kids, to the house, to friends) I try to set aside time to do something for myself. Same goes the other way — if I find myself preoccupied by my work or my anxieties, I try to move my focus outside of myself, to my family, my friends, and my community. The scale’s always tipping, but I do my best to bring it back to center when I can.

How do you find personal fulfillment through motherhood?

I feel most fulfilled by motherhood when I can step back and see the individuals my kids are becoming. The day-to-day routine can get lost in details, so I try to spend a few minutes every day really seeing these children, inside and out.

Thank you very much, Asha! I really appreciate your taking time to answer these questions. I’m still learning that fulfillment isn’t a destination; it comes when you take a moment to look at the journey. When my life or stress or troubles threaten to overwhelm me, I find that focusing on others helps to put things in perspective, too.

To read more of Asha’s thoughts, visit her personal blog ashaland. For daily tips and tricks to make your life easier, check out her blog, Parent Hacks, one of the top 10 most popular parent blogs.

Also, keep checking back here for an update to the Popular Parent Bloggers list coming up soon! (Looking like early next week; thanks a lot for changing everything around, stupid Technorati.)

Categories
Kids/Parenting Fulfillment

It’s getting harder to be a mom

A new Pew Research study indicates that it’s getting harder to be a mother—at least, in our opinion.

Parents Today Have It Harder, Doing Worse

70% think mothers have it harder than mothers raising their children 20-30 years ago. 60% think fathers have it worse, too. 56% of survey respondants say that mothers are doing worse than the previous generation; only 47% think fathers are doing worse.

However, 55% of men and only 40% of women say fathers are doing worse—who knew that men could be harder on themselves than women? (Also, 67% of African Americans say fathers are doing worse, while only 44% of caucasians agree.)

Hm… let’s see. While I agree that it seems like the good moral values I’ll try to instill in my son are being assaulted by the world on every front, I think that today’s parents have a somewhat skewed perspective. 20-30 years ago would be our parents’ generation.

Do I think my mother had an easier time of it? I think my mother had a plenty hard time of it—I should know, I gave that hard time to her (although she may be exempt, since she’s still raising a teenager today). Familiar with the term ‘sexual revolution’? ‘Drug culture’? How long have those terms been in the popular parlance? 30-40 years.

Do I think my mom is a better mom than mothers today? Most of my mother’s parenting skills that I got to observe (and can remember) were quite polished. By the time I was old enough to really pay attention and notice what my mother did for us, she’d been doing it for probably a decade—and was a mother of four. So I do think she’s a better mom than I am? Of course! I’m still painfully working the kinks out! (I hope I have at least a decade before my kids notice!)

I realize that at every age parents have new challenges, but my mom got her “practice round” of teenagerhood with me—and I like to think that we’re both better parents for it. For example, I now know that I have to set ground rules for my kids’ dating habits before they start dating. My sisters didn’t have to learn how important that was by having rules imposed on them after dating for six months (we ’bout drove each other crazy. Plus it ended up a horrible dating experience, anyway.).

Women Tough on Motherhood

Okay, so it may not just be today’s parents that think they’re doing a worse job—66% of women aged 50-64 think mothers are doing worse today (as opposed to 56% of women aged 30-49 and 48% of women over 65). Women aged 18-29, however, are pretty much split in their assessments—41% say mothers are doing worse today; 45% say mothers are doing about the same.

There is at least a little compassion: 71% of women say being a mother is more difficult today than 20-30 years ago. However, when the same question was asked in 1997, 81% said it was more difficult to be a mother in the 90s.

Societal factors on children, including peer pressure, drugs and media influences, are cited by 38% of moms as the biggest challenge in raising children today. Instilling moral values/discipline is #2 with 31% of moms saying it’s the biggest challenge. To me, the two are interrelated. If I can instill good moral values in my children, I don’t have to worry (as much, of course—I’ll still worry) about society’s influence on my family. I strongly believe that (no matter what your kids say and do as teenagers) the #1 thing that influences children will always be the way they were taught.

What do you think?

Perhaps, then, the fulfillment I’m sometimes so obsessed with finding may not be fully evident until my children are grown and hopefully leading good, productive lives. After all, if fulfillment comes from creativity, how much more satisfied are we with a “finished project” (as if you could really classify a human being as such) than a “work in progress”?

Then again, this study really doesn’t help me feel fulfilled. We know that we don’t get the praise of the whole world for doing out jobs well, but now we know that most people actually think we’re doing a bad job. Even better. 🙁

What do you think? Are mothers doing better, worse or about the same as their parents did? Do they have a more difficult time to raise children in? What are the biggest challenges you face as parents?

Categories
Fulfillment

Interview with Michelle (scribbit)

I asked Michelle of scribbit, one of the top ten most popular parent bloggers what brings her fulfillment in motherhood. She responded in an eloquent essay about the relationship between creativity and fulfillment. Read on for more of her excellent insights!

How do I define fulfillment? How do I find it in my life? How do I find fulfillment in motherhood?

Fulfillment is primarily about creativity. To be actively producing, creating, planning and working to make something—anything—is satisfying. Whether it’s as simple as making a dessert, writing a short story or growing a garden or as complex as giving birth to and raising a successful human being for me to find fulfillment I have to be creating. When I can look at something I’ve made it is physical proof that I’ve existed improved my surroundings.

Having small children can mean that finding time to do anything outside of providing basic necessities is impossible but I’ve found that even a few precious moments in each day for creativity—maybe as simple as writing in a journal—helps me to feel fulfilled. Keeping a list of my goals or “to-do” items then crossing them off as I complete them makes me feel as if I’m making progress. Cutting out anything that is unnecessary—prioritizing—helps me focus on the essentials and allows me to stay on-task.

Creativity and production being such vital parts of the job, I’ve wondered if perhaps women who find themselves dissatisfied with motherhood are in a strictly reactionary mode, dealing with one crisis after another (for whatever reason) rather than being in control of their circumstances. On days when I’m so busy all I’m doing is running from one place to another or dealing with multiple emergencies there isn’t time to savor the small joys and triumphs or to feel as if I’m in control of my schedule—it drives me crazy.

As I’m in a job that has no paycheck, no retirement benefits and stock options it’s up to me to find fulfillment because it won’t be handed to me. My goal has been to create a home environment where, when my children and husband walk through the door, they immediately feel they’re in a safe, comfortable, peaceful place among friends—a refuge from whatever might have hit them during the day and a place that they can’t wait to come back to. If I can do that then I’ve made their lives better and thereby made the world a little better. It may sound
corny, but it makes me happy.

Thank you so much, Michelle! I definitely agree that creativity plays a fundamental role in fulfillment, and so do many other people that I’ve interviewed. It’s literally awesome to remember that having a child and rearing a child are creative activities and the important role that mothers play in the lives of their children—and in shaping the future of society.

To read more of Michelle’s thoughts, visit scribbit, a blog about motherhood in Alaska (yeah, Alaska) and one of the top ten popular parent bloggers. Enter her May Write Away Contest for fun, prizes and intellectual exercise!

Categories
Fulfillment Faith

Interview with Shannon (Rocks In My Dryer)

Another one of the most popular parent bloggers has been gracious enough to answer a few questions for me—Shannon of Rocks In My Dryer. Yep, the home of Works-for-Me Wednesday, a weekly compendium of tricks and tips from around the momblogosphere. As always, we talked about motherhood, blogging and fulfillment.

How do you define fulfillment?

Doing what you were created to do, and doing it well.

How do you find personal fulfillment in your life?

I’m a mom, a wife, a Christian, a crafter, a reader, a writer (not all in that order—actually, the order changes almost daily!)

How do you find personal fulfillment through motherhood?

I reject the idea that a woman “defining herself” through her service to her children and husband is somehow demeaning, and that she’s bound to lose herself in the process. It doesn’t have to be true. One of my favorite quotes (I believe it’s from Ralph Waldo Emerson) is “When you serve another’s dreams, you will find your own fulfilled.” That is so profoundly true. I take great personal joy in taking care of the people I love. It fulfills me, it defines me, it makes my own life richer.

Anything parting thoughts?

I do think it’s important for a woman to find something she’s good at, something she enjoys, and pursue it with excellence. Blogging and sewing are two amazing outlets for me. For me personally, creating something (something I’ve sewn or written or given birth to!) is the most fulfilling thing in life.

Thank you so much, Shannon. I love your straight-to-the-point answers and your faith. You’ve hit on many of the themes I find as I examine fulfillment in my life, especially the creative impulse. Thanks again!

To read more of Shannon’s thoughts, visit Rocks In My Dryer, one of the most popular parenting blogs around—and with good reason!