Category: Kids/Parenting

Tips, tricks and adventures in parenting two kids.

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Kids/Parenting Ryan/Married Life Fulfillment

Interview with . . . Me!

I’ve been doing several interviews lately, so I was excited to be interviewed as part of an interview meme by Mountain Mama. (I was even more excited to learn that she’s from the Old North State. Come on, you know, where the weak grow strong and the strong grow great.) (North Carolina. Geez.)

On to the questions!

Where is the one place in the world you have always wanted to go and why?
Europe. Probably because I’m an American. And beyond that, because I have a completely romanticized view of Europe. I dreamed of living in England when I was a teenager, and have since been quite taken with Spain (minored in Spanish in college). I’d also love to see Italy (again, highly romanticized view). Beforew we started dating, I learned my husband had backpacked through all these places. I could have smothered him with jealousy. I’ve made him promise to take me one day. I would have made him take me on our honeymoon there, but we thought it was better to go to New Zealand to meet his parents (they were missionaries there at the time).

What about you will most embarrass your children when they grow up?
Probably something terribly normal and stupid like driving them to school or wearing sweatpants or mom jeans. Possibly something obnoxious like this terrible tendency I have to always have to be right. Hopefully not our beliefs or a complete inability to shut up.

What skill or talent have you always wished you possessed?
Having a little boy, I should say athleticism. The only sport I can play is kickball. However, lately I’m really wishing I possessed patience. Man. And after playing the piano for 15 years, I wish I could play by ear. That’s probably the one I’ve “always” wished for. Or the best I can come up with right now.

Who or what do you think has been the greatest influence on your growth/development as a person and why?
Hands down, my religion. I made a quick list of things that it directly influenced: where I went to college, who and when I married, when we decided to have children, the closeness of my family of origin, the things I eat/drink, the standards I keep, the shows and movies I watch, the goals I have in life. Of course, my views on motherhood. It’s all encompassing and beautiful. Also, if it weren’t for my religion, my parents wouldn’t have met, being from opposite sides of the country—so basically I owe my entire existence!

What brings you the most satisfaction in life right now?
The little moments. Today, it was sitting on the couch with Ryan and Hayden. Snuggling with one (or better yet, both) of my boys and not having anything else in the world that I have to think or worry about, even if it’s just for that one minute. It’s especially sweet when Hayden initiates the snuggling. (I do like Ryan to initiate the snuggling, too, it’s just really special coming from my little boy who doesn’t have any other way to express his love.)

Want to be next?
Since this is a meme, it gets passed on. You know, memes are like viruses. Here’s how this one works:

1. Leave a comment, saying “Interview me.”

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to choose the questions.

3. Update your blog with the answers to my questions.

4. Include this explanation and offer to interview anyone who asks.

5. When someone asks to be interviewed, you will email them five questions of your choosing and they will answer on their blog. And so on and so forth.

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Kids/Parenting Fulfillment Faith

Motherhood in perspective

When something goes wrong for Hayden, he sometimes has a tendency to overreact. I take away his current play thing, he screams. The ribbon from his balloon gets caught in his toes, he squeals and kicks. We try to see if he has any new molars, he arches his back, struggles and wails.

I’ve called him a bit of a drama “king” before. But really, I don’t expect anything different from someone who has no outlets or resources to draw upon when he’s frustrated. I also don’t expect anything different from a child of mine. I’m hardly any better than Hayden at handling my frustrations, despite decades of knowing better.

I’m trying to help Hayden learn other ways to deal with his frustration, even though they can’t really help him right now (things like, “You don’t have to scream, you can ask for help.”).

But really, both of our frustrations come from the same problem. It’s a larger problem than simple impatience. For me, it’s as if I develop tunnel vision. I can’t think of anything else in the world other than this insignificant thing. I always say, “I just expect things to work right.” And it’s true, I get frustrated when something doesn’t work as expected.

But really, my problem is that, for those moments at least, I lack perspective. Hayden isn’t old enough or experienced enough to see the big picture, but I should at least be developing that ability.

Perspective is often difficult to obtain. Sometimes one of the most difficult things to put into perspective is the big picture. For example, I know that in the big picture, I’m a mother. But what does being a mother mean?

The perspective that we’re given today says that motherhood doesn’t mean a ton. Darren Rowse at ProBlogger wrote an equation this week that struck me:

Personal Worth = What You Achieve + What Others Think of You

He was speaking in the context of blogging, of course, but acknowledged that his thoughts applied to other spheres. He continues:

The problem with this equation is that in every sphere of life (especially blogging) it is very difficult to live up to this equation. There are times in all of our lives where we fail or fall short of what we set out to achieve and where other people’s opinion of us are not high.

Rating our worth as a person in this way can be a trap and as bloggers it can be an easy one to fall into.

On a good day where traffic is up, people are saying nice things, all the blog ranking tools rate us highly and we’re getting good press it’s easy to be on top of the world – but when it all falls in a heap the lows can be very low if we tie our personal worth to how our blog performs.

Personal worth comes from something deeper than what you do (or fail to do) and what others think of you. I won’t push my own opinions of where this worth comes from (for me it’s tied to my spirituality) – however I encourage bloggers to do some realigning and gaining of perspective in this area.

Fulfillment, which today I’ll define as contentment with your assessment of your personal worth, doesn’t come from external factors. If we continually rely on others to give us fulfillment, we’ll find ourselves emptier than before.

Like Darren, my personal worth, my contentment with my role as a mother, comes from my spirituality (I’ve expounded on those beliefs recently). For me, my spirituality is one way of internalizing the big picture.

The big picture is that mothers matter. The big picture is that the greatest impact my life will create will probably not be the great American novel, even if I do write that novel. The big picture is that the most important thing that I can do with my life is to raise my son to be a good person.

I still struggle with the day to day frustrations, but keeping motherhood in perspective keeps me grounded. It helps me to recognize my personal worth. It doesn’t come from awards or professional achievements. It comes from recognizing the importance of tiny triumphs.

And for Hayden�and for me�a day without frustration would be a triumph indeed.

Categories
Kids/Parenting Random

Six of one, half a dozen of the other VII

I’ve been a little remiss in talking about Hayden lately—and what’s discussing motherhood without mentioning the one who made me a mother?

So, here are some of the things he’s been up to lately!

Six recent Hayden firsts
More signs. This week, Hayden learned ‘doggie.’ It looks a lot like ‘hi’ when he does it, but he does it when he sees a dog. This is a bit of an improvement over signing ‘kitty’ when he sees a dog. He’s also learned to blow when he sees a fan.

Hugs. Yep, spontaneous hugs. Don’t believe me? Watch this:

See, he tries to hug the kitty and then he signed ‘kitty.’
Kisses. Yep, Hayden give and (mostly) receives more kisses!
Weaning.
Separation anxiety. Suddenly, Hayden really cares about being left at the gym daycare. They’re really good at distracting him, but it’s still heart wrenching to hear him cry out.
Climbing. Yesterday he climbed onto one of our couches. Here’s one of his first climbing experiences:
Half a dozen not-so-recent Hayden firsts
Babbling. He’s been talking up a storm for a few weeks now. Still no words, although he does seem to whine “mamamamam” to me and “dadadada” to Ryan.
Grabbing my legs. On the whining note, Hayden has learned to grab my legs and plaintively look up at me (while whining “mamamam!”). This is most common when he’s hungry, and when I’m trying to walk around the kitchen to get him something to eat.
Walking backwards. I’m not sure exactly when he acquired this skill, but he’s quite good at backpedaling.
Sense of humor (and feeding himself) (video)

“Teefers!” We’ve gotten him to show his teeth when we say this. In fact, he’s so good at this, that he does it even when I ask him where are his feet are, he shows me his teeth. (He points to his feet when you ask him where his stinky feet are.)
Typing. Here’s a sample of his work.

/ “”””””””” I?II?i ,bbbbbbbbbbbbbbby,,.dz h ionjnyn GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVMMMM*
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
V 88B6666666666666666666 VVVVVVVVVVVV 088888888 h i8n mj gvgftfrtfhft 0 66666666666666666666666666666cvN v6c FDZS J8 B K VVVVVVVVVVVGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG N ===================================================
================OKM

That’s our boy!

Categories
Kids/Parenting

Five Things Moms Do Right

It’s official—moms are hard on themselves. Don’t believe me? Just ask Pew Research. 56% think mothers today are doing a worse job than their parents did.

So, in the face of all this discouragement, let me offer a little encouragement:

Five things moms do right

  1. Give to their kids. One of the biggest sacrifices that all moms make is their time. Whether it’s nursing a baby all night, entertaining a toddler all day, or running kids from softball to soccer to saxophone lessons all afternoon, moms give up their personal time to help their kids grow and develop.
  2. Make important choices for their kids. Everything from eating vegetables to going to bed at a decent hour, there are things that we do for our kids not because we particularly love doing those things (or fighting with our kids to get them to do them!), but because we know it’s best for them.
  3. Let their kids make their own choices. We try to help our kids learn to be independent and decisive by letting them make their own choices—mostly on some of those things that aren’t quite so important, like what color to wear today.
  4. Try. Some days it seems like I’m killing myself trying! Even if we fall short, I truly believe that if we have tried, something positive we’ve done for our children will make an impact on them.
  5. Love their kids. Even if we’re not perfect parents, and even if it were true that we’re doing a worse job than our parents did, don’t accuse moms today of not loving their children.

What else do you think moms do right?

Enjoy this post? Vote for it at GNMParents!

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Kids/Parenting

The weaner

No, that’s spelled right. Today is the fifth day that I have not nursed Hayden. I think I’ve decided that he’s weaned.

It hasn’t totally hit me yet. I suddenly realized when talking with a friend on Monday (yes! I have friends! She even called me and invited me to go out and DO something with her!) that this might change more than just what undergarments I can wear.

When Hayden was about 3 weeks old, I was feeling like I’d been through the wringer basically since his birth. No, I didn’t have one of those moments where you arrive home from the hospital, place the baby in the crib and in a state of sudden panic ask, “Now what?!” I’d like to think that I’m better than that, because I do know ‘now what’: the rest of your life. Take care of him. Hold him. Love him. And feed him every 90 minutes. (The truth is that I’m not better than that; I was too sick for nearly a week after we got home from the hospital to do anything but panic over how I would ever cope with raising a child while lying flat on my back.) (And feed him every 90 minutes.)

Anyway, at about 3 weeks, I felt like I’d given my baby my very soul and left nothing for myself—and he didn’t even know. He barely acknowledged my existence.

Ryan was holding him one evening and Hayden began to fuss. We decided he was hungry (it had been 90 minutes!) so I came to feed him. Mind you, it had only been 90 minutes since I nursed him last. I was hardly sleeping (at about one week of age, Hayden developed a mean grunt which kept us all up from 2-5 AM), healing, leaking milk, and completely over- and underwhelmed. Underwhelmed because for as much work as a baby requires, there is a LOT of downtime—which feels like wasting time. (I hate taking naps; they waste time and make me grumpier.) On the other hand, a baby requires more work in a day than can fit in 24 hours.

So on this day, as I came over to take Hayden from Ryan, whom I sure had only held the baby for a few minutes, I asked, “Does he even know who I am?”

I know the studies say that babies know their moms by smell virtually at birth and recognize their voices and can even distinguish between their own mother’s milk and another mother’s milk by two weeks, but I didn’t feel it. My sweet baby was a quiet, passive lump. His eyes could barely focus on anything—so he seemed to stare through me as I slowly killed myself for him.

Ryan knew I was having a hard time (though I think this post might surprise him). He looked at me with compassion and answered my question: “Of course he does [know who you are]. You’re dinner.”

We laughed. I needed to laugh then. I was getting all caught up in my hormonal and emotional overload and taking myself far too seriously. As much as I resisted it, I did need to lose myself to become a mother. I hated feeling my old self slip away and I didn’t like the new self that was emerging (she was crabby!).

But I was dinner. Most nights, I still am (I like cooking for the fam). I took that badge and wore it with honor. I AM DINNER.

It meant that I was strong enough to be a mother and provide for my child well. It meant that I made important sacrifices for his wellbeing. It meant that he needed me—and maybe even loved me. I promised myself that if I ever wrote a book about parenting, it would be called I Am Dinner.

I’m not dinner anymore.

Categories
Kids/Parenting Fulfillment

It’s getting harder to be a mom

A new Pew Research study indicates that it’s getting harder to be a mother—at least, in our opinion.

Parents Today Have It Harder, Doing Worse

70% think mothers have it harder than mothers raising their children 20-30 years ago. 60% think fathers have it worse, too. 56% of survey respondants say that mothers are doing worse than the previous generation; only 47% think fathers are doing worse.

However, 55% of men and only 40% of women say fathers are doing worse—who knew that men could be harder on themselves than women? (Also, 67% of African Americans say fathers are doing worse, while only 44% of caucasians agree.)

Hm… let’s see. While I agree that it seems like the good moral values I’ll try to instill in my son are being assaulted by the world on every front, I think that today’s parents have a somewhat skewed perspective. 20-30 years ago would be our parents’ generation.

Do I think my mother had an easier time of it? I think my mother had a plenty hard time of it—I should know, I gave that hard time to her (although she may be exempt, since she’s still raising a teenager today). Familiar with the term ‘sexual revolution’? ‘Drug culture’? How long have those terms been in the popular parlance? 30-40 years.

Do I think my mom is a better mom than mothers today? Most of my mother’s parenting skills that I got to observe (and can remember) were quite polished. By the time I was old enough to really pay attention and notice what my mother did for us, she’d been doing it for probably a decade—and was a mother of four. So I do think she’s a better mom than I am? Of course! I’m still painfully working the kinks out! (I hope I have at least a decade before my kids notice!)

I realize that at every age parents have new challenges, but my mom got her “practice round” of teenagerhood with me—and I like to think that we’re both better parents for it. For example, I now know that I have to set ground rules for my kids’ dating habits before they start dating. My sisters didn’t have to learn how important that was by having rules imposed on them after dating for six months (we ’bout drove each other crazy. Plus it ended up a horrible dating experience, anyway.).

Women Tough on Motherhood

Okay, so it may not just be today’s parents that think they’re doing a worse job—66% of women aged 50-64 think mothers are doing worse today (as opposed to 56% of women aged 30-49 and 48% of women over 65). Women aged 18-29, however, are pretty much split in their assessments—41% say mothers are doing worse today; 45% say mothers are doing about the same.

There is at least a little compassion: 71% of women say being a mother is more difficult today than 20-30 years ago. However, when the same question was asked in 1997, 81% said it was more difficult to be a mother in the 90s.

Societal factors on children, including peer pressure, drugs and media influences, are cited by 38% of moms as the biggest challenge in raising children today. Instilling moral values/discipline is #2 with 31% of moms saying it’s the biggest challenge. To me, the two are interrelated. If I can instill good moral values in my children, I don’t have to worry (as much, of course—I’ll still worry) about society’s influence on my family. I strongly believe that (no matter what your kids say and do as teenagers) the #1 thing that influences children will always be the way they were taught.

What do you think?

Perhaps, then, the fulfillment I’m sometimes so obsessed with finding may not be fully evident until my children are grown and hopefully leading good, productive lives. After all, if fulfillment comes from creativity, how much more satisfied are we with a “finished project” (as if you could really classify a human being as such) than a “work in progress”?

Then again, this study really doesn’t help me feel fulfilled. We know that we don’t get the praise of the whole world for doing out jobs well, but now we know that most people actually think we’re doing a bad job. Even better. 🙁

What do you think? Are mothers doing better, worse or about the same as their parents did? Do they have a more difficult time to raise children in? What are the biggest challenges you face as parents?