So much of motherhood is out of our control. We can’t control if or when we get pregnant, despite our best efforts. And it goes downhill from there. One of the first things we learn as a mother (and then spend the rest of our lives learning, it seems), is that these are little people—little, independent people. Although you can try to create the most favorable conditions possible, you can’t make them sleep, you can’t make them eat—and the list only grows as they get bigger.
The sense of accomplishment that I’m going for with Feeling Fulfilled Fridays might be looking for a little control in motherhood—and that’s not a bad thing, I think. We have to recognize what we can and can’t control, and then focus on what we can control.
When I made out my list of things that make me feel accomplished, I purposefully left some stuff off. I feel very accomplished when my children grasp something new, when I get them to do their chores, when we all get along.
But I can’t force my children to understand something, or physically compel them to clean up, or make them not scream and hit. I can’t tie my happiness to things I can’t control—the little everyday up and downs of living with other people.
Instead, I looked for things that I can control—I can try to teach them something new (regardless of whether they get it). I can instruct them (and, if necessary, discipline them) in doing their chores. I can spend time with them doing things they like and being kind and patient with them, creating an environment where we’re more likely to get along.
Being happy, as a mom and as a person, is just too important to leave to chance—and too big a responsibility to place on our children. They can’t force us to be happy any more than we can make them fall asleep.
What do you do to help get “control” in your life? How does that work? How does that make you feel accomplished?
Photo by DM
3 replies on “Feeling accomplished—doing something you can control”
This doesn’t answer any questions, I’m just very curious. I’m trying to figure out how to establish a list of chores for my boys to accomplish. I have them (mostly the oldest) help me in some things like unloading the dishwasher and transferring laundry between washer and dryer. But I can’t figure out anything that he/they can actually do by themselves to start learning some responsibility.
I know they can do things like pick up their toys and wipe random things down with a wet rag…but those things require constant spoken reminders to keep them on task and not playing with the toys or throwing the rags at each other.
Since our kiddos are fairly similar in age, can I ask- What kind of chores do you have your kids do? Thanks!
I obviously don’t have all the answers, but I think it’s a really good thing to compare notes with other moms in the same phase of parenting. I think it’s really normal for your boys to need a lot of supervision in cleaning. Hayden will tell me his room’s clean when he hasn’t done anything I’ve asked, and I have to supervise him a lot.
I actually remember what it’s like to be at that level of capability in cleaning (because I was like 19 before I moved past it), and what seems so obvious and easy to us is just completely unintelligible to them. So they do kind of need the constant reminders to stay on task (especially with boys) and what to clean up and how.
We’re going to try a visual chart of things that need to be picked up in Hayden’s room—sending him back there with just a “Make sure your room’s clean!” never yields results.
I don’t know that at this age, we’re robbing them of responsibility by supervising them. They’re still so young that even with supervision, they’re still taking responsibility by obeying. If I’m really on top of it, it’s the quick execution of my supervision that I try to praise.
(His chores, which I’m terrible at enforcing, are emptying the silverware rack of the dishwasher [which he usually does well without supervision and minimal prompting], cleaning his room, and cleaning up the family room [and those both require lots of prompting and task break-downs from us]. From time to time, I’ll have him set silverware on the table. I have a chart for him and he gets a sticker when he completes a chore, and when he has 10 stickers he gets a little prize [dollar store toy or candy]. That incentive often helps, too.)
Oh, and something my parents used: separate the kids for chores. We always fought at chore time. (Dad thought we were trying to get sent to our rooms to avoid chores!) Once we were old enough, we always had to work in separate rooms.
But I’m certainly open to more ideas. (Of course, our big problem is still in the execution…)
Hey, I found this great post that might help us all in sorting out what our kids can do. Check it out, I hope you like it:
http://www.parenting-blog.net/tips/listing-the-dos-and-do-nots-of-childhood/
This is a hard core to-do list of what kids can do according to their age.
My daughter is far from doing all she is able to do…
I guess it´s pretty common that parents feel that they are raising little monsters that don´t help much (and in many cases they are right…). It´s really hard to make them do things, but like you said, we can control what we say, how we teach and our own patience.