Late last summer, I was suffering from a bad case of the “Mommy Doldrums.” I was in the grocery store and spoke with a cashier there. She was four months pregnant with her first child—much sooner than she’d planned on becoming a mother. Once I’d said my congratulations, I felt compelled to say something more—the classic, cliché things all mothers are supposed to say to soon-to-be mothers: “It’s so wonderful; it’s so worth it; they’re such a joy” etc.
And I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell her those things because I didn’t feel them. Instead, I had to admit, right there in front of my own mother, “It’s so hard.” (I had to tell her; no one told me!)
I have to admit, if I haven’t already, that my own frustrations with motherhood are a large reason why I write a blog about finding fulfillment in motherhood. Now, of course, I know that no matter how hard you try, you won’t feel skippy-happy-let’s-have-eight-more-just-like-him every second of every day as a mother.
People who have never struggled with this feeling often don’t understand. I know someone will read this and think, “She just doesn’t love her children enough.” Think what you like, but I love my son very much. I’m not trying to say that motherhood isn’t wonderful, or worth it, or joyful. Every time I laugh with my son, or engage in a “conversation,” or comfort him, I know that I’m doing the right thing with my life. I wouldn’t wish him away.
What I was wishing for that day was just to hear someone else tell me that they struggle with motherhood from time to time—I struggled every day, it seemed like. For some reason, I felt as though no one else thinks motherhood is hard.
What is it that’s so hard for me at these times? What am I struggling with? It’s hard for me to understand and articulate myself. But I know that, in part, the difficulty that I’m experiencing can be attributed to Hayden’s age at the time: the constantly-on-the-go, exploring-everything-he-can-find bundle of impetuous, boundless curiosity that is a toddler can wear you out physically, emotionally and mentally.
At times like this, I’ve let insidious little lies creep into my thoughts—if I were a good mother, I wouldn’t feel this way about motherhood; I’d better get over this (or through this) before even beginning to think about having more kids; I must not love him enough.
Maybe this is really the root of the problem: I’m not really trusting myself to be the mom that I need to be. At these times, all I ever worry about and contemplate is how hard motherhood is for me (okay, and sometimes how hard my mothering must be on my son!). I mean, even writing this down makes me feel ashamed for being so self-centered.
I know that there’s more to motherhood than repeatedly battling a toddler for the privilege of wiping his backside, and I know that motherhood is a high and noble calling, but some days it’s just hard to think of that part.
How do you get past the “Mommy Doldrums”?
Note that I’m perfectly fine right now; this was written a while back.
16 replies on “Fighting (for) fulfillment”
I think it gets easier the second time around b/c you’ve been there/done that. You can see a little more of the big picture and know that these hard parts are just seasons. Having said that, I’m right there with you in that hard season of the willful, defiant, illogical 2’s and 3’s and it’s HARD, and what worked on my first doesn’t work on my second. And I’ve forGOTTEn things. It’s hard. And it’s OK to say so.
Somewhere in between my first and second, I learned to lean more on my husband in those seasons…to take more time for me and steal those moments to do things that make me feel better…to have SOMEthing to look forward to…to savor the good moments and the good days…to remember that they’ll be gone soon and I’ll miss them.
Gotta run…getting ready to go out for a girls’ night. 😉
Motherhood is hard. Some days you wish you could quit. Some days you really don’t like your kids. But you always love them. Usually I’ll call my own mother when I’m crying with frustration over something they’ve done and she’ll talk me through it.
I think we all suffer from the mummy doldrums. I also think the best thing to say to a first time pregnant woman is congratulations and leave it at that.
I think we all have days/weeks/months like this … especially when you are mothering an overly energetic and spirited toddler. I hear you loud and clear on that front.
Just this last week I have been bemoaning how hard life is. What helps me? To have a trusted girlfriend with kids roughly the same age to vent to and have my feelings validated.
Hang in there, you are not alone!
Art, I make things, I knit when I need my heart rate to slow down, I sew when I need to be free (the sound the machine running) I bake when I am bored with play dough and water colouring, I talk on the phone when I’m lonely (although that can be worse when the call is over), I watch Oprah, I go on vacations when I read a good book and I just started to blog two months ago. I don’t do these things all the time,they are phases. (Although, I hope to keep up my blogging if I can figure it out.)
great post idea!!!
I used to feel such shame because as an infertility patient, when I finally got pregnant and had children, I struggled. Pregnancy did not agree with me overall, I had post partum and I beat myself up big time. No one told me any of that was to be expected to a certain extent.
I started attending Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) and met a lot of moms in the same place emotionally I was. Now that I am almost out of the MOPS years, I try so hard to encourage newer moms that yes it is hard, but you do not have to go through it alone.
I blog with that voice as well. I never want any aspect of my life to turn up a person that I could have been honest with and they felt misguided. I’d rather point out my flaws and say here they are, if you have them too, it’s ok!
Thank you for this post. I needed to hear (read) today that someone else feels as I do.
Oh, and I once told the VERY pregnant woman behind me at Babies R Us that I was two weeks late, so good luck.
Hi Jordan. You are right, it is hard at times. Our parents weren’t perfect with us and chances are we wont be perfect with them. I like to think of parenting like getting an education. I recall working on my college degree and sometimes calling a friend crying about how hard it was. Then one night he said “Kakie, it isn’t supposed to be easy all the time. That’s why they call it an education. Overcoming the obstacles are what teach us in different ways. That is part of how we grow and learn, through trial and error.
I think it is about coming to terms with the fact that we are all imperfect human beings and there is no definition out there of “the perfect mother.” That is why they teach us to slow down sometimes and remember that it is about being present for them. As long as they continue to love us unconditionally, like we love them, then in their eyes we are the best parents in the world. My favorite quote: “We do not remember days, we remember moments” -cesare pavese
Often, when I am feeling overwhelmed and do a great job of being my worst critic, I get on my treadmill for 30 minutes (one of few things I feel I have contol over in this life sometimes.) I also turn to daily meditation books that help to keep me grounded.
You are doing a great job. You have all of the tools you need. You are not alone in your thought process.
Warmest Regards,
Kakie
Hi Jordan, I just vented my own “about motherhood” questions http://blogspot.expectingexecutive.com/2008/01/15/do-you-encourage-motherhood.aspx.
It took me a really long time to come to terms with my role as “mother. For some women, motherhood transition does not happen easily. Additionally, from the looks of the comments I received, I was not alone in my questioning motherhood. And, neither are you. ~Hugs~
Mommy Doldrums are completely normal regardless of the age of the kid – I am not enjoying my eldest much at the moment as everything is a battle. Does it mean I don’t love him enough? You already know what you’d say to that!
I agree that not enough people admit to the hard side of parenting – I always try to. I love it but it’s HARD, the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I try to tell anyone who asks me that. I don’t want them to think it’s easy and all comes naturally cause it doesn’t. It did for my first but when the 2nd came along I hit rock bottom, just didn’t know how to cope with them both. I realised I was trying to do way too much myself and not asking for enough help from my other half.
That’s not to say it’s the same for everyone of course. Some people really do find it a breeze (most likely those who have lots of people there to help out and take over when needed), but most of us wonder what the heck we’ve got ourselves into at some point – it’s normal!
There’s a little something on my blog for you btw 😉 hope it helps with the mommy doldrums.
Gosh, I’m wondering how your commenter Karen has time for ALL THAT STUFF! And, phone calls for me — or anything for me — just turns into one big mess at my house.
It’s tough because there is no way to describe how hard it is to a mother-to-be. I think that as they get older it is so easy to look back and realize how easy those previous stages were compared to now …
I definitely struggle and my mother is not one I can turn to because she is the first one to make me feel guilty. That sucks even more.
You’re right … blogging helps. It helps to not feel so alone. I also have a group of moms that I’ve been hanging out with who have struggled, too. That makes me feel better.
I know what you mean!
For me, the “mommy doldrums” were actually a blessing in disguise. I realized that it wasn’t that I’d been more fulfilled in the career world, but that I’d had more distractions to keep me from noticing that feeling that something was missing. Without the business trips and the frequent socializing and the deadline pressure to keep me mentally occupied, stay-at-home motherhood forced me to look head-on at the fact that there was a sense of purpose and/or fulfillment missing from my life, and that it had been missing all along. It ended up prompting me to do some serious soul-searching about “meaning of life” type questions, which turned out to be the best thing I ever did.
Anyway, thanks for your honesty!
We all have those moments, days, and weeks. It is completely normal and does not mean that you do not love your son.
Honestly, though, I think that you as a WAHM have it harder than many of us have it.
I have heard working at home painted as the “best of both worlds,” because you are spending time with your children while earning an income and getting mental stimulation. I would counter that it also combines the worst aspects of parenting and a job — trapped at home without respite AND the pressure of looming deadlines.
I have to agree with your sentiment. If someone had told me the realities of motherhoood and the strained times especially with such great milestones like potty training, it would certainly remind me not to go rushing into it again.
As for the mommy doldrums, escaping from the house for a little while on my own often works best. When it all comes crumbling down a quick drive to the gas station to buy a coke often gives me the few minutes to breath I need.
I don’t want to throw out cliches but you feel like that more when the children are smaller I think. The bodily functions, whining, loss of sleep, etc. figure more prominently then and those are the things that dragged me down. I find as it goes along you have more time to yourself, the kids can do more for themselves and I am more easy going with the stress of it.
Doesn’t mean it’s a breeze later on, it just means that for me it got easier.
Doesn’t help you much in the meanwhile to say “ah, just wait ten years and everything will be GREAT!” but sometimes just remembering that it’s a temporary status, that it WILL improve helps. It still can get tough, but it’s a little different kind of work than when the kids are labor-intensive.
I think it is important that we share with new mothers that it is tough sometimes but always worth it. I don’t think we give ourselves permission to struggle, especially when we can control our fertility or if we have had difficulty conceiving. And feeling like we’re wrong to be having a rough day only magnifies the problem. I have a great friend with whom I spoke pretty much daily (or at least on weekdays) when I was home for the first 11 months of my daughter’s life. We still speak often and she doesn’t judge me and I don’t feel I need to censor myself with her. That has been an important part of getting through tough times.