The bottom line: I’m jealous. I tend to avoid going out most of the time (this week has been an exception with my family support system!) mostly because Hayden always seems to melt down the fastest out of the house. My friend Lindsey blogged a while ago about what she called her “motherhood discovery.” She realized that she didn’t mind playing with her daughter in a movie theater lobby or the play ground at a baseball game instead of watching the ‘real show.’
I think what’s happened is that I am really starting to enjoy being a Mom. Don’t get me wrong, I have always liked being a Mom. I mean, I am doing what I have always wanted to do. But I feel like I appreciate the time I have with Sadie more. I no longer look at all the time I spend taking care of her as work or boring or even monotonous. I’m not sure how or when things changed for me but I’m sure glad they have. Sure, I still look forward to when she naps so that I can get a few things done but I don’t dread hearing the sounds of her waking up like I use to.
Hayden is four months younger than Lindsey’s daughter, but I’ve really begun to doubt that I’ll be in the same place at that point. I’m trying to adjust my expectations, but I’m still more selfish than I’d like to admit.
How do you get there?
8 replies on “I’m jealous”
Interesting. I am not sure how to answer your question. I have always been there. It seems as soon as Kenna came along, I sort of flushed my “me attitude” down the toilet. I am certain it has to do with the fact that I waited so darn long to have her. I think I needed my daughter to become whole. HOnestly, I knew before I even had her that I needed her. I was sort of sick of being so “me oriented”. I really really really wanted to life my life for someone else. I was tired of just taking care of me. It seemed pointless. It all sounds so odd to me now typing this, but that is how I felt.
I hope that somehow you find an answer to what you are seeking Jordan.
Leaving the philosophical considerations aside (it’s early in the morning here in Israel and I haven’t had my coffee yet), practically speaking I think it’s a matter of setting your self up for maximum success. Start by increasing your chances for success for the excursions you do make – schedule things for times of day when Hayden is usually calm, fed and well-rested, don’t try to pack too much into one event, and keep your expectations age-appropriate. Sitting quietly for a few minutes while you do a quick shop is reasonable. Sitting quietly while you try on a whole new wardrobe is not. (Yes, I’m purposely using extreme examples. Not saying you do any of these.) Meet girlfriends in an outdoor cafe where a bit of noise is acceptable, not indoors where you have to stress out over keeping him quiet. Even now that my kids are 6.5 and nearly 4, I try to never take them to a restaurant without an entire tote bag of toys and tricks (nicer, i.e. slower, restaurant = bigger bag). It just isn’t reasonable for me to expect them to sit quietly and stare at their silverware when they’re hungry and bored. I love seeking out truly kid-friendly places. When I take my kids to the outdoor cafe that provides a safe playground and toys for them, we all have a better time, and when they’re done eating they can go play while I sit with the other adults.
Obviously Hayden is still a bit young for that particular solution, but my point is to set yourself up for success by seeking out situations that will be easier, not harder. If he doesn’t sit well, skip the baseball game this year and invite friends to meet you at a local park instead. There will be plenty of time for the ball game later. Parenting is a lot more fun, and a lot easier, when you’re in situations that involve something fun for everyone in the family. Try and minimize times when Hayden, or you as the adult, are just getting dragged along and I think you’ll find that excursions will become a lot more manageable.
That, and a good “tincture of time” always helps :).
Hang in there Jordan, it will get easier.
I guess that while some things do not get easier, overall there is something zen that develops within you when you have children (i.e. the realization that the present moment with your growing child can be more rewarding or the realization that priorities can change and it’s okay).
I’m not sure how much sense that makes, but while I still would like to be able to watch junk tv as it’s happening over lingering in the darkness to put my little man to sleep, a part of me is starting to like the idea of just doing what needs to be done for the baby’s sake.
And then there is always TiVo.
It’s funny that you posted this because I’m starting to need another reminder of this! 🙂 For me, this is something I need to constantly work on. One thing that I think is important to remember in all of this is that it’s OKAY if you want to do things for yourself. I think it’s crucial to have alone time without your kids so that you can enjoy activities that you once loved before the kids came along. It’s not a bad thing. So maybe one of the tricks is to find a good babystitter some of the time!
Does it help at all if I tell you that it does get easier with time? Honestly, by the time your kid is 5 or so (and I know that seems like forever away right now but it will get here before you know it) he will occupy himself much of the time, behave in public much of the time, etc… etc… and you will be able to have me time, do things about the house without worrying too much that he’s chugging the household poisons or terrorizing the pets, etc…
And even then, realize there will still be times when you are bored to tears pushing the swing at the playground or a little bothered at entertaining your child in a theater lobby with the matchbox cars. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person or that you don’t love your child. It means you’ve spent the past hour pushing the swing and that’s your limit, or you’ve paid good money for the show and you want to see it. And that’s okay.
I think all moms would have an easier time if we stopped evaluating everything we do and worrying how we are measuring up against someone else or some expectation we have.
Robin had great advice, too. Kid friendly places help alot.
Okay lone wolf here.
I adore my kids. I have made changes to my life for them that don’t benefit me. I would throw myself under a bus for them. melodrama aside, I’ve watched Care Bear Big Wish 8 million times more than I ever would have, played dollies and dress-up well past the point of having fun and so forth.
But it’s an effort for me and always has been.
I wasn’t very good at being a child when I was a child. LOL
I’m good with my kids in other ways, other than being their play buddy.
And that’s cool.
I don’t think you need to become like those other moms.
I think you just need to find and believe in your own strengths.
I have found that I do special things with my kids that we both enjoy and have a better time with that. For playing, I set them up with other kids. 🙂
I also found that by late preschool/early elementary I started hitting my “okay this is my age” stride. I think I need verbal skills LOL.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
Julie
Ravin’ Picture Maven
I echo Julie’s thoughts. Why do we all need to be alike? Focus on your own strengths.
Thank you all so much. Your words of wisdom have really touched my heart, as sappy as that sounds. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to respond to my . . . desperation? low spirits? angst?
Whatever it may be, I’ve featured your comments and added my own in my post Your turn: I was jealous today.