In the month of October, my children threw up 17 times in 17 days. This is one of their stories.
DUNK-DUNK!
Once upon a time, I decided to take my kids out on a fun trip all by myself. Usually, I try to avoid leaving the house . . . ever, but every once in a while, I’m overtaken by this idea that I should, you know, try to expose my children to fun learning experiences.
Actually doing this, especially with some small amount of forethought and planning (like making them sandwiches to eat in the car!), makes me feel like an incredibly good mom.
Amazing how much three little sandwiches can lull a mom into a false sense of competence, isn’t it?
But how hard could it be? It was a place geared for kids, so it couldn’t be as difficult as, say, visiting the dentist, grocery shopping, or walking down the street.
My kids believe they’re bored and living in near-prison conditions by the end of the average commercial break, so naturally they rejoiced, especially when they realized we weren’t, say, visiting the dentist or grocery shopping—because, hey! sandwiches! Oh, and the dinosaur place.
Which was, of course, Mommy Code.
Naturally, once she got out of the stroller and played with the exhibits, she loved every minute.
But when it was time to leave, she began complaining again.
Rebecca had already complained over 12,000 times (approximately) that she didn’t wike dis p’ace, that the dinosaurs scared her, that she didn’t like the noise, that world peace was taking so long to achieve, that gravity was a cruel mistress, &c.
Having exhausted all her logical arguments, Rebecca devolved into vowelless mumbling arpeggios in the key of whine.
Being the kind, understanding mommy that I am, I’d kind of had it.
I was unprepared for the sight that I found waiting.
I’d naively assumed that because it had been four days since the last time anyone had vomited, we were puke free.
Not so. Not so.
After wallowing in the horror! the horror! for a minute, I leapt into competent-mommy-mode. (If you’re counting, that’s mode #3 after spontaneous & fun and fed up)
Unfortunately for competent-mommy me, rather than using a floorplan with flow-through to the lobby, this museum had funneled us into a closed circuit, hiding the exits to the lobby behind doors with ominous warnings, like emergency alarms were going to screech if we came too close.
Rebecca, of course, is still crying, now covered in cold puke. I’m trying to reassure her, and yet get her to remain completely motionless—because she’s sharing this stroller with Rachel who has miraculously remained clean so far.
After running through the same tracks about three times, I finally gave up and opened the surely-alarmed doors that were about ten feet from where we started.
Who’s doing the pleading? Oh, it’s me.
And hello lobby (with no emergency alarms).
Finally, I can move into Mommy phase four of the day:
Two hours ahead of schedule!
But I think the real punchline came just after dinner that night. Rebecca was convalescing on the couch, until round 2 began. Hayden ran to tell me—and mid-shout . . . well, that should probably be censored, too.
Have you been through Pukeageddon? Share your war stories!
10 replies on “Law & Order: Puke-ageddon”
Pure hilarity. The pictures are amazing. I love the last screen. “I’m a broken human being.”
Aren’t we all?
Ok, I loved this post so much. The pictures were amazing! It made me laug. Thanks for the censoring, sometimes we need it.
haha this is awesome! I always feel like when we get home from anywhere I need to sit down and catch my breath. PB puked for the first time a couple nights ago. Not. fun. and really sad for them! Thanks for sharing this!
Thanks, guys! It’s nice to be able to laugh at it—now.
Nice dread locks!
Oh no! The illustrations make the story though. I do NOT do well with puke and luckily my kids are not overly prone to throw up. Just the thought of having to deal with it outside of my house makes me cringe. Sounds like you handled it like a mom of 3 champ!
Hilarious. You should write children’s books next! And illustrate them, of course. This will go down in the annals of blogdom.
ROFL. Okay, so not on the floor, but definitely in my chair! You are so funny, girl, and I was relating to the insanity and the spectrum of mommy emotions! You survived and live to fight another puke, so good job. 🙂 Caroline pukes regularly in public, but since she isn’t really tanking down many solids, it is mostly milk/curdledmilk and relatively easy to take care of.
As a professional illustrator, I must say, your drawings are well done, narrative and informative. I don’t think you needed many of the captions. Awesome. New follower from http://gumdropswap.blogspot.com
I have your blog up on My Yahoo page and this title definitely caught my eye….cuz I just spent the weekend in Puke-aggedon! One of those places you visit but “I sure wouldn’t wanna live there”.
#3 began the fun Friday night while I was at a birth. Had to get someone to cover for me (read “someone else to give the funds to”) and go home. By Saturday night, horror-of-horrors, it’s MY turn! Puking is ranked just above dropping a bowling ball on my foot in my list of “Fun Things To Do” so I was naturally thrilled.
It turns out that all Saturday night while I was in agony, #4 was puking in the living room with a kindly houseguest doing the best he could to maintain sanity. Nice…I told him he should get some kind of medal for keeping the World’s Neediest Child away from her mom when she felt sick. He said “Hey, you were sick too!” (Understatement of the century, but …)
Monday, #1 went to school … and came home sick. Watching a six foot five inch 300lb dude hurl was awe-inspiring. And loud…just sayin’…
#2 ran her course yesterday. Her smart teenage mouth only stopped complaining when it was otherwise occupied. I thought she was bad when she had PMS!
This morning, I do feel human. Which is good, because I have to go search under the couch cushions for change to go buy more toilet paper.
Yah…That too…
I can TOTALLY sympathise with you, Jordan. Glad your fam and ours are DONE with that. WHEW