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It seems like, if we’re happy, we’re supposed to love every minute of our lives. If we enjoy motherhood, we should love every minute of it. And some people really do love every minute of being a mom—so if we don’t, there must be something wrong with us.
I don’t believe that’s true (and I sincerely hope it’s not!).
I say this because sometimes I struggle to love any minute of motherhood, for weeks at a time. Sure, there’s the occasional 30 seconds of bliss as I snuggle a finally-asleep-again-baby, and the flush of pride when Rachel starts crawling at six months or Rebecca successfully counts to 12(!) at <two and a half, and the smiles at Hayden’s first realistic full-body drawing:
But those tiny pleasures are so easily forgotten after hours of diapers, whining, crying, screaming, bickering, punishments, refereeing, and motherhood in general—hours where it feels like these tiny tyrants need everything you have to give and more.
When I dare to admit that feeling, I often get comments telling me I should go back to work. Give up, essentially. Focus on what will make you happiest (“giddy with delight”) immediately.
I do still think that what I’m doing as a stay-at-home mom is important. But sometimes, I’m so unhappy on a daily basis that I struggle to feel that what I’m doing is best for me and for the kids.
I do still think that what I said a year ago is true:
Choosing to be happy does not mean that we will automatically be happy all the time. It doesn’t mean we always choose whatever might make us happy right this second.
Choosing happiness means we choose the things we know are most important for our long term happiness.
But I think I need to put more effort into making better choices on a day-to-day basis. I don’t believe we’ll be “giddy with delight” every minute, no matter what we’re doing, but we can try to focus on the things that do make us feel good about motherhood. And it’s about time I recommit to doing that.
When I was good about working on Feeling Fulfilled Fridays, that’s what I was trying to do: focus on those things that I can do to affect the way I feel and we all function. Maybe it’s about time I work on those things again.
I stopped posting about it for several reasons: struggling with these feelings, being too busy, and the deafening lack of response and enthusiasm from 99% of my readership. However, I think that focusing on fulfillment again—refocusing—can help with the first two, since I think they’re really symptoms of the problem instead of side-effects.
The last one . . . well, that one’s up to you. Is there anything I can do to help encourage you to participate in Feeling Fulfilled Fridays?
As a reminder, for FFF we create a list of things that help us feel accomplished, work on a few of those things during the week, and report on Fridays.
What can you do to enjoy your time as a mother more?
And oh yeah, Rachel really is crawling:
Manic smiley photo by Astrid Phillips
12 replies on “Loving any minute of it”
AMAZING!!!!
I feel guilty because lately my older kids are so annoying compared to the baby. So not only am I not loving any minute of it with them, I’m often not loving them. Something about needing to love those you serve or something or about how it’s not possible to be happy unless your heart is full of love. Today I decided to act (over the top) like I loved them and was so happy to see them (when they came home from school), and it really helped. (at least for awhile :P)
I needed to read this today. I’m struggling with so much right now, especially finding happiness as a mother.
@Mom—I know, right? Oh, you mean the kids, huh? 😉
@Shannon—I know what you mean, both on the annoying factor and on “fake it till you make it.” When I do muster the energy to do that, it can really work.
@Stacey—I’m always glad to hear my words have helped someone!
I enjoy motherhood better when I get regular predictable brief escapes. (Which is never, but even the less-predictable ones are well enjoyed.) When I get back from an evening away, my kids are much cuter and sweeter than I remembered them to be. (Usually. This is if I do not come home to find them rolling in broken glass or something.)
Jordan,
I always liked reading what you felt you accomplished each week in your FFF. You know I am your biggest cheerleader. (I was in the 1%!)I have some advice for you to take or leave: Try for content. (Not contention, contentment!) You know that nobody is happy every minute doing even their dream job. There is scut work in everything, and the grass almost always looks greener in someone else’s yard. It usually isn’t. I remember (Kind of) the long days and nights of being a mother of young children. It is frustrating and boring and repetitive, but so what? Like you said, it our responses to the frustation, the boredome, and the repetition that shapes us and our children, and determines whether we are happy or sad.
Keep pressing forward! I miss you.
In reading my comment, I realized I didn’t finish completeland that I spelled boredom wrong. Ooops.
About the content part. Just be content for what you have right now. Follow Paul’s advice and be content with whatever situation you are in. You don’t really have to take the temperature everyday and decide if you are happy or sad. Just be content with what the day brings. If you don’t like the direction it is going, take a new direction that day. Don’t worry too much if there is something you are missing, but rather be content with what you do have.
Maybe this sound too simplistic, but it has worked for me.
I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy this morning because I’m snuggling a newborn baby who is happy and content, but I haven’t had a single day on my own with 3 kids yet. I’m a little nervous that after those inevitable sleepless nights I won’t be able to handle it with any grace or happiness. I think a re-focus on fulfillment is a good idea. It can definitely help improve your mood. We do have a choice about whether or not we want to be happy, but choosing it is DEFINITELY not always easy. Hope you get over the motherhood blahs soon!!!
This reminds me of two books: “I Am a Mother” by Jane Clayson Johnson and “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. The first is an LDS author’s book that reminds us that what we’re doing is important and there’s nothing wrong with just being a mom. The second mentions that things that bring us happiness don’t always bring us happiness in the moment. She calls it “fog happiness” because you feel happy when you talk about motherhood but when you go to examine it closely, you can’t see it anymore.
Oh! This is Jordan from BYU?? haha it’s Tara, don’t know if you remember me! I didn’t know you had a blog, good to know. 🙂 Motherhood is the HARDEST thing any of us have ever done! Really makes us grow.
I just realized yesterday that I have fallen off the FFF train! Definitely time to get back on since I’ve been struggling under the load lately.
P.S. Go Rachel!
maybe your readership is READING but not COMMENTING on the FFF train. On my motherhood blah days I am usually too worn out and tired to write comments. Or I just feel too zapped to examine my own thoughts closely enough to come up with an intelligent or inspiring thing to write. Gotta admit, I often just read those kinds of blog entries and then move on, feeling encouraged at least a lil more to focus on the good things in life. On the other hand, on the days when I’m feeling confident and capable in motherhood, I often don’t even read the FFF posts because I’d rather be reading about milestones of friends’ kids or funny stories or whatever. I have a friend who did a grateful post every day for several months. Sometimes I read them, sometimes I didn’t. But maybe some kind of “challenge” like that to your readership could be stimulating. Then even if I didn’t come on Friday to make a comment on a grateful moment that week, I’d still have gleaned the benefit of thinking of grateful things every day. I don’t know. It’s a tough question, I think, because most of the time blogging is my ‘quickie-relaxation-mindless-fun-social-opp’ kind of activity rather than the introspective or deep kind of activity with which FFF fits well. Maybe I’m just shallow. 🙂