Mommy Wars: the truth

Dear Mothers who Work Outside the Home,

I don’t work outside the home. Sometimes, I frown upon your choice to leave your children for much of their waking hours (with exception, of course, for those who have to support their families).

But a lot of the time, I’m just jealous.

Now, I can only speak for myself. But after a long week of what feels like constant fighting with my toddler and constant feedings for my baby, I can’t help but look at the women who have a reason to get dressed every day with jealousy.

Hayden’s self-portrait part one: messy kitchen

On any given day, the vast majority of my human interactions are with online text, people under the age of three or figments of my imagination (don’t worry, I’m not psychotic; I’m just a writer). On any given day, I will fix seven meals for my son, eight of which he will reject. I will attempt to defuse thirteen temper tantrums and only keep my own temper in check twice. I will issue four timeouts, change three outfits and eleven diapers (on a light day), and let my son watch too much television as I try to carve out a few hours to myself.

I will not be praised, unless I vacuum and/or make dinner. I will not accomplish something that looks productive (unless it falls into those hours I manage to get to myself). I will not make measurable progress toward any meaningful goals.

I will wonder whether I’m doing anything right. I will doubt my ability to fulfill the basic requirements of my job. I will try to figure out how and where to tender my resignation, only to resign myself to figuring this out—mostly because I don’t have any other choice.

That’s my day job. How’s yours?

In reality, I know that many, many women face these same kinds of challenges at work. I know that very few jobs are “fulfilling” in and of themselves. I know that working wouldn’t automatically make me happy.

I also know that working outside the home makes being a mother that much harder. Suddenly, you have to squeeze all the affection, lessons, morality, milestones, discipline, moments and love into half the time. (Oh, and don’t even think about extracurriculars, meals, homework or housework.) Quite frankly, it’s stressful. It makes it almost impossible to have real “me time.”

Hayden’s self-portrait part two: messy mom

I’ve come to accept that as individuals (and mothers), we have different needs. Maybe you’re working because your family needs the money. Maybe you’re there because you would lose your mind at home (um, see above?). It doesn’t really matter. If that’s what you really need, that’s what you need.

And in the end, I don’t look down on that. I can’t judge that. I won’t say you’re less of a mother because you have less time to do it all in.

And I can’t say I envy that.

Love,
Me