This isn’t one of the big debates in childrearing, but I’ve seen a couple opinions on this issue: saying please to your children. Not like “Please pass the potatoes,” but more like “Put your toys away, please.”
Some people opine that saying please implies that you’re merely requesting, not insisting. 2ly (and please read that as “two-ly” 😉 ), it undermines your authority as a parent. Lastly, it annoys them it puts you into poor bargaining position if they refuse.
Other people say that it’s important to teach our children to say please by example. Other people in the pro-please camp say that by saying please the first time, it makes you sound less like a petulant dictator. Finally, it makes you look (and feel) like you have the moral high ground if a child refuses, since you “asked nicely,” and they were the unreasonable ones when the didn’t comply
Personally, I do ask Hayden to do things the first and maybe the second time. If he doesn’t go along after that, though, it ain’t pretty.
What do you think—do you say “please”?
22 replies on “Saying please to kids”
I believe in words in action, so I can’t expect my son to say please if I don’t!
You know…I never thought about how saying please would undermine my authority. I actually do say please quite often. But sometimes if it’s something that should have been done without a request it’s definitely not pretty.
I think more than that though…insisting upon myself to say please is a reminder to stay calm and be patient. Of course I know the proper thing to do is put dishes in the sink after a meal. But it’s really not on a seven year old’s radar. And so adding please at the end up, “OMG! PUT YOUR DISHES AWAY BECAUSE I AM NOT A MAID…please” serves as my way to lighten up. We both end up giggling because I sound absolutely crazy! And we’re both always really polite (even when we’re flustered!)
What comes naturally though…is saying thank you. Thank you for clearing the table. Thank you for washing your hands with soap. (Yeah, seriously. He’s a boy…) Thank you for getting through homework hour without a meltdown. And I’m seriously THANKFUL because I haven’t had to ask him to do it or I haven’t had to repeat myself or he’s not driving me up the walls and I have to appreciate that. I think it’s also really good for him to hear that I appreciate everything he does for me! (Especially when it makes my job easier!)
Oh, please! 😉
I believe you should teach politeness by example.
Not only do we say please (good behavior model) we also say “No Thank You” instead of “NO!” whenever possible.
I say please and thank you to my girls and they say it back. We’ve been told by many people that they are impressed with the girls’ politeness.
Another vote for civility from me.
It’s a convention, an nicety, not a legal contract. Using the word “please” doesn’t sap parental power. Anyone who thinks it might, must doubt his/her own potency.
It’s grating to hear or generate barked commands. Give me this. Put that there. Go get your coat. Ick.
When I buy gas, I say “would you please fill it with regular unleaded.” I’m not really giving the guy the option, just being polite. Afterwards, he could say “gimme the money”, but instead requests it.
Are we not to expect our personal relationships to operate on a level at least as warm as when we’re having a routine business transaction?
hook up your webcam!
it takes like 5 minutes tops
Count me as another vote in the “please” camp.
If we are not polite with our children, how can we ever expect them to be? Or even worse, if we are not polite with them, are we teaching them that children are not worthy of respect as human beings?
This is not to say that I am never a “petulant dictator,” but that I try not to be.
I say please, and like you, I say it a couple of times. After that, my tone changes completely. But my son does pretty well with please and thank you. He probably uses them 75-80% of the time.
We definitely say please. Young kids learn to talk primary by what their parents are saying…with a close second being the characters on TV, I suppose.
It depends… If I’m asking a favor – like would you please go put this away, then I definitely say please. If it’s a safety issue, then I don’t even think about it – I just tell them what to do. Otherwise, I guess I usually start with a please, but it degrades from there if it needs to. 🙂
Of course I say please…and thank you and you’re welcome…to my kids. I say it to strangers…why wouldn’t I say it to my own family? 🙂
I usually say please and thank you, and so does my son. Before he could talk, he would sign please and thank you. If it is a matter of life or death or injury, he is directed without please to stop immediately, and please tends to be forgotten.
i’m in the please camp. but sometimes please doesn’t get there in a crisis or whatever….but most of the time i aim for politeness by example. i don’t think of it as a power issue, rather a teaching tool.
We definitely believe in teaching by example.
Absolutely say please!
I say please… but I think the kids know it isn’t a bargaining chip.
I say please for everything and then when they do what they are being told to I tell them “Thank you; your so good for listening to your Mama”!!!
It makes them want to please you more and more the next time.
Some people have such radical ideas about parenting, my ex-inlaws were like that. Let’s just say on the inside they produced 2 of the most emotionally lost individuals I have ever met and boy are they good at denial….
So, say please and thank you- your kids are human beings that will turn into adults!
I like the 2ly:)
I think that if you think that saying please undermines your authority as a parent that there are much larger parenting issues that need to be dealt with. I agree with Joanne. If we say please to strangers, why shouldn’t we say it to our own family members? Kids need to learn manners at home. And family relationships aren’t about who is in control at all times. If parents want their children to respect them, they need to respect their children.
And I’m with all the other moms who said if the first few polite requests are ignored then it’s not pretty. Same at our house.
I am catching up on my feed reader (and you are definitely in there) and just saw this post. It is funny because I just did a blog post on my site about how I get my daughters to do things. I actually don’t always say please, though I try to often enough, but I explain it to her until she does it.
Please is fine. It just means you’re polite.
The problem is “okay”. “Put your toys away, okay?” makes it into a question, and I think okay is far more common than please.
I have heard so many people say, “time to brush your teeth, okay?”, and then grow incensed five minutes later when the child has not brushed said teeth. But okay implies that you’re having a debate with someone. It’s saying there’s room for disagreement.
Please is just being polite.
@Sheila—I catch myself on that one all the time! I usually repeat myself and substitute “understand?” for “okay?”