Tag: father’s day

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Faith Kids/Parenting Ryan/Married Life Fulfillment

Fatherhood: a father’s perspective

I spoke in church on Father’s Day this year, and so did my husband. With his permission, I’m reprinting (i.e. reconstructing from his notes) his talk here.

In a move that would make my wife proud, I turned to the blogosphere to look for a consensus on the rewards and challenges of being a father.

The hardest things about being a father:

  • Knowing your wife is a better parent than you.
  • Finding the time to give everyone the attention they deserve.
  • Being afraid you’re doing it “wrong.”
  • Worrying about the temporal needs of the family.
  • Worrying about the spiritual needs of the family.

The best things about being a father:

  • That huge smile and laughter as I come in the door from a long day at work.
  • The instant forgiveness from a child after sending him to his room.
  • The funny things kids say (see here, here and here).
  • Just spending time together, doing thins I love doing as a kid, like playing with Legos, but can’t really get away with as an adult.

But being a father isn’t all fun in games. In April General Conference in 2004, Elder L. Tom Perry outlined three roles for fathers, and they’re a tall order.

1. The father is the head in his family.

“Fatherhood is leadership, the most important kind of leadership. It has always been so; it always will be so. Father, with the assistance and counsel and encouragement of your eternal companion, you preside in the home. It is not a matter of whether you are most worthy or best qualified, but it is a matter of [divine] appointment.”

Your leadership in the home must include leading in family worship.

“You preside at the meal table, at family prayer. You preside at family home evening; and as guided by the Spirit of the Lord, you see that your children are taught correct principles. It is your place to give direction relating to all of family life.

“You give father’s blessings. You take an active part in establishing family rules and discipline. As a leader in your home you plan and sacrifice to achieve the blessing of a unified and happy family. To do all of this requires that you live a family-centered life.”

President Joseph F. Smith counseled brethren to lead their families in a weekly Family Home Evening. “If the Saints obey this counsel,” he said, “we promise that great blessings will result. Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth of Israel and they will gain power to combat the evil influences and temptations which beset them.”

Along with this role, I want to say just a little about discipline. President Harold B. Lee said, “A father may have to discipline his child, but he should never do it in anger. He must show forth an increase of love thereafter, lest that one so reproved were to esteem him to be an enemy (see D&C 121:43). The Lord forbid the feeling of a child that his mother or father is an enemy.”

This ties into Elder Perry’s next role for fathers:

2. The father is a teacher.

Elder Perry’s talk led me to a pamphlet first put out by the church in 1973 called “Father, Consider Your Ways.” Even though it’s almost 40 years old now, the advice still rings true today. On this role, the pamphlet said:

It must be emphasized that as a father, you are always teaching. For good or ill your family learns your ways, your beliefs, your heart, your ideas, your concerns. Your children may or may not choose to follow you, but the example you give is the greatest light you hold before your children, and you are accountable for that light.

At one time a young father acted somewhat unkindly to his wife. Three days later this same man saw his three-year-old daughter use his very words in acting unkindly to her mother. The man was sobered and came to ask himself this question, “Do I love my children and family enough to repent, to change my life for their welfare?”

We are also supposed to help children recognize promptings of the spirit. I found a good list of a few ways to do this (source missing, sorry!):

  1. Help them learn to pray
  2. Keep the peace
  3. Teach the gospel at their level
  4. Lead them in wholesome family activities
  5. Talk to them at every opportunity
  6. Listen for spiritual promptings yourself

Finally for Elder Perry’s roles:

3. The father is the temporal provider.

Elder Perry strongly cautioned against mothers working for a second income (i.e. one that wasn’t necessary to provide the basic needs in life):

President Ezra Taft Benson expressed it clearly: “The Lord has charged men with the responsibility to provide for their families in such a way that the wife is allowed to fulfill her role as mother in the home. … Sometimes the mother works outside of the home at the encouragement, or even insistence, of her husband … [for the] convenience[s] that the extra income can buy. Not only will the family suffer in such instances, brethren, but your own spiritual growth and progression will be hampered.”

If I can be so bold, there’s one more fatherly role I’d add to Elder Perry’s list:
4. The father is a husband.

“Father, Consider Your Ways” points out:

The obligations, the burdens, the responsibility of being a proper father may seem overwhelming. Fortunately, you are not required to preside and judge and act without counsel, without assistance. You have a wife—a companion, a counselor, a partner, a helpmeet, a friend.

Is she one with you? Do you thank the Lord daily for her? Do you keep the covenants you made with her and with the Lord in the temple? Do you always strive to keep your thoughts and words and actions pure? Do you realize that when you offend her in any way it is like offending yourself, since you are one?

Does she know of your love for her? Is your relationship one of continual courtship? Do you regularly spend time together—alone, where your expression and actions reassure her of your appreciation and reliance on her companionship? Do you exercise righteous leadership with her?

Do you always keep sight of your marriage goal, the creation of an eternal unit bound together by love and by the power and ordinances of the priesthood?

President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, “A good marriage requires time. It requires effort. You have to work at it. You have to cultivate it. You have to forgive and forget. You have to be absolutely loyal to one another.”

Finally, President Howard W. Hunger said, “Indeed, one of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”

Categories
Faith Kids/Parenting Fulfillment

Fathers Matter, Too!

Though usually we talk about mothers and motherhood around here, I was asked to speak in church today. Some of my talk came from some previous Father’s day posts: Making Father’s Day Merry (Fabulous?), Dads are responsible (and important!) and Dads are capable.

And here are my other thoughts from today:

Children in today’s world need all the help they can get. Studies have shown that one family factor is strongly correlated with:

  • Not getting straight A’s
  • Repeating a grade
  • Dropping out of school
  • Obesity
  • higher delinquency and aggression test scores
  • Abuse or neglect, emotional or physical
  • poverty
  • Drinking alcohol and smoking tobacco
  • significantly more illicit drug use
  • Teen pregnancy

What was the one factor correlated with all of these circumstances? Not having a father in the home. (Statistics http://www.fatherhood.org)

It’s no wonder that Heavenly Father intended families to have two parents—because that’s how they function best. In the Proclamation to the World on the Family, we read:

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.

Dads belong in the family. It’s the ideal situation, and even if not all of us can enjoy the ideal, it’s important to recognize and honor fathers, especially today. It’s easy to find fault with fathers—and the media is a big help there. But for all the negative attention that dads get, I know that there are lots of fathers out there stepping up and doing a great job.

How can we honor the fathers in our lives?

  • We can pray for them.
  • We can get to know them.
  • We can honor them, obeying and listening to them.
  • We can forgive them.
  • We can love them.

Fathers may not realize their influence. But at least in my house, I can see it every day. This week alone, two of my sisters and I have talked about how things as little as phrases our father uses stay with us. Last week, Rachel heard the door open and she couldn’t see who had come in. “Da!” she shouted “Da! Da!” She does the same when she sees her father on the stand during Sacrament Meeting.

Rebecca’s favorite role to play is Buzz Lightyear. We were assigning roles to the rest of the family, and I asked if Daddy should be Zurg (sorry if I just spoiled the twist in Toy Story 2 for you). No, Rebecca reasoned, Daddy should be Andy because he’s nice.

But my favorite story is from Hayden: you ask him what he wants to be when he grows up, and his first (and often only) answer is “A father.” (And yes, “father,” not “dad or “daddy.”)

In the April 1999 General Conference [of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints], Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk called “The Hands of the Fathers,” where he relayed several stories of real fathers doing their best to fulfill that divine appointment, and the impact that they had in the eyes and lives of their children.

Three such stories:

A young Laurel I met on a conference assignment not long ago wrote to me after our visit and said, “I wish my dad knew how much I need him spiritually and emotionally. I crave any kind comment, any warm personal gesture. I don’t think he knows how much it would mean to me to have him take an active interest in what is going on in my life, to offer to give me a blessing, or just spend some time together. I know he worries that he won’t do the right thing or won’t say the words well. But just to have him try would mean more than he could ever know. I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I know he loves me. He sent me a note once and signed it ‘Love, Dad.’ I treasure that note. I hold it among my dearest possessions.”

“Much in my chaotic childhood was uncertain, but one thing I knew for sure: that my dad loved me. That certainty was the anchor of my young life. I came to know and love the Lord because my father loved him. I have never called anyone a fool or taken the Lord’s name in vain because he told me the Bible said I shouldn’t. I have always paid my tithing because he taught me it was a privilege to do so. I have always tried to take responsibility for my mistakes because my father did. Even though he was estranged from the Church for a [time], at the end of his life he served a mission and worked faithfully in the temple. In his will he said that any money left over from taking care of his [family] should go to the Church. He loved the Church with all of his heart. And because of him, so do I.”

“Often as I watch my son watch me, I am taken back to moments with my own dad, remembering how vividly I wanted to be just like him. I remember having a plastic razor and my own can of foaming cream, and each morning I would shave when he shaved. I remember following his footsteps back and forth across the grass as he mowed the lawn in summer.

“Now I want my son to follow my lead, and yet it terrifies me to know he probably will. Holding this little boy in my arms, I feel a ‘heavenly homesickness,’ a longing to love the way God loves, to comfort the way He comforts, to protect the way He protects. The answer to all the fears of my youth was always ‘What would Dad do?’ Now that I have a child to raise I am counting on a Heavenly Father to tell me exactly that.”

The responsibilities of fatherhood can be heavy. The Proclamation later states: “Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of [our family] obligations.”

Just like mothers, fathers may feel inadequate to these responsibilities at times, but as Elder L. Tom Perry has pointed out, “It is not a matter of whether you are most worthy or best qualified, but it is a matter of [divine] appointment.”

I conclude with one more thought from Elder Holland’s talk:

And, brethren, even when we are not “the best of men,” even in our limitations and inadequacy, we can keep making our way in the right direction because of the encouraging teachings set forth by a Divine Father and demonstrated by a Divine Son. With a Heavenly Father’s help we can leave more of a parental legacy than we suppose.

I testify that when we do all that we can as parents, trusting in and relying on the Lord for guidance and sustenance, Jesus Christ will justify and sanctify our efforts. He can make us more than we are as fathers, mothers and people, and He can make our children and our families whole. Fathers matter. Temple covenants can bind our families together forever. The priesthood is real. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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Ryan/Married Life Fulfillment

Happy Father’s Day

I don’t think a blog about motherhood would be quite complete without a suitable tribute to fathers. After all, good dads capable, responsible and important.

I probably can’t say enough about fathers, or say enough to thank the father of my children. The man does dishes, reads with Hayden, and can even put the kids to bed.

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Thank you, Ryan!

So go ahead, brag on Dad here!

Categories
Fulfillment

Dads are responsible (and important!)

The stats are alarming: more and more children are being born out of wedlock, divorce is on the rise, workaholism, absenteeism, and just plain abandonment result in more and more children being raised without fathers. Now, of course, I think mothers are wonderful and vital to a child’s growth and development—but really, we can’t do it all by ourselves.

Aside from potentially increasing the difficulty level of parenting for a mother, children who grow up without a father involved in their lives face long odds:

Boys without the substantial presence of a father are 70 percent more likely to commit violent crimes, and each year spent without a dad in the home increases the odds of future incarceration by 5 percent.

Girls without the substantial presence of a father are 150 percent more likely to become pregnant during the teen years and will experience 92 percent more marriage breakups than girls raised with two parents.

Both girls and boys raised without fathers are substantially more likely to be sexually abused than their peers in two-parent homes.

—As cited in Nurture the Nature by Michael Gurian

Does having a dad around automatically ensure that all will go smoothly for mothers and children? Of course not. But statistically speaking, it certainly helps.

With all these stats piling up around us, it’s easy to think that the world is sinking into a vicious cycle which can only perpetuate itself. But let me remind you: there are still lots of great dads out there. Dads that take the time to be involved in their children’s lives, whether or not they live together.

So here’s to all the dads that make the time to play with their children, help them with homework or chores, and really try to get to know them. Because there are still plenty of good, responsible dads out there (they just don’t always make the headlines).

Categories
Fulfillment

Dads are capable

It’s easy and funny to think of dads as all but inept. Think of your favorite “family” sitcom. How many times does the dad on that show make a terrible parenting decision (usually with humorous consequences instead of, y’know, killing the children)? How many times does the dad on the show act lost when confronted by a problem in parenting? How many times does the mother have to bail him out of the mess he’s made as a parent?

Granted, these things are funny—very funny to mothers especially, because we get to look like the ones who know what’s up. But really, when you put it in generic terms instead of describing incidents from a show, it starts to sound less like “oh, there goes Dad again” and more like “yep, dads are supposed to fail.” And that’s not really funny . . . that’s kind of closer to what I call cruel. (But you don’t have to feel guilty for laughing; that’s what sitcoms are for, after all.)

When it comes to the real life dads around us, though, I certainly don’t see the same standard of behavior. My sample is probably biased, since maybe I do know more good dads personally.

But the vast majority of the men I know can change a diaper without any help. They can take care of the kids solo—and not call it “babysitting,” and not lose a child (literally or metaphorically). They can even bathe them and put them to bed all by themselves.

What can the dads in your life do that TV dads can’t?

We’re making Father’s Day fabulous this week!

Categories
Fulfillment

Making Father’s Day Merry (Fabulous?)

Naturally, I made a rather big deal out of Mother’s day last month. But I also want to make a rather big deal out of Father’s Day (this Sunday!).

Really, this isn’t just in the interest of Title IV, gender equality, parity and all that. It’s because I really believe that honoring fatherhood is an important part of honoring motherhood.

It’s easy to find fault with fathers—and the media is a big help there. But for all the negative attention that dads get, I know that there are lots of fathers out there stepping up and doing a great job.

It’s also easy for we mothers to get so caught up in how difficult our lives are and how much is expected of us that we gloss over the expectations for father—and sometimes that’s partially because the media has set such a low expectation for them.

But guess what. There are lots of REAL DADS out there doing great things. Dads that are capable. Dads that are responsible. And though they’re not always the best at expressing it (or at least not how we expect them to), dads that are loving.

Dads are important. They’re not the same as mothers, but they’re still vital in their own role.

Want to brag on a dad in your life? Post a comment here—we’ll be talking about this for the rest of the week—or respond on your blog!