Tag: guest post

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Kids/Parenting

Holding on to the Magic (at Power of Moms)

My mom has worked very hard to establish family traditions (and she continues to build new ones). She knows that when we spend time together having fun, we have those memories to hold onto and to knit our hearts together.

Today I’m blogging at the Power of Moms about “Holding onto the Magic,” on establishing and preserving the memories of those fun times.

If you’re visiting from that post, welcome! Please check out some of my favorite posts on fulfillment:

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In the mean time, I’m playing with my kids.

Have fun today!

Categories
MetaBlogging Fulfillment

Doing It All (at The Power of Moms)

I have another guest post at The Power of Moms this weekend! It’s called “Doing It All.” Doesn’t it seem like we’re always told we can do it all, and we should be doing it all right now?

If you’re visiting from that post, welcome! Please check out some of my favorite posts on fulfillment:

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Kids/Parenting

Guest Blog Post: The Napping Imperative

By Jennifer Eyre White

Awhile back I was doing some research on the importance of sleep–which frankly, as a mother of three, amounts to self-preaching to the choir– and I came across this horrifying little factoid: new babies cause their parents to lose 400-750 hours of sleep in the first year alone. 400-750 hours — whoa. That’s a lot of hours.

My initial reaction was, how does our freakin’ species survive? I mean, if you’re constantly up at night with a fussy baby, you yourself could end up being that child’s worst choking hazard. (Ha ha! I’m joking here! Mostly.) Not to mention the fact that being sleep-deprived messes with your judgment, your health, and your memory, none of which is a plus for your parenting skills.

As if that weren’t disturbing enough, a new study suggests that when you’re sleep-deprived (if you’re a rat, at least), portions of your brain actually shut down even when the rest of you is awake. You think you’re fully functional, but no, you’re actually a zombie. (If you have kids I bet you’re nodding your head right now and thinking, “Yup, that explains a lot. I really need to get the **** more sleep.”)

I’m puzzled about why human babies are so hard on their parents; being constantly sleep-deprived by our young doesn’t seem to me to be an evolutionary advantage. (There have also been times–three times in particular–where the process of human childbirth has struck me as severely suboptimal.) If we were living in a historic period where we had to survive by our wits, most of today’s parents would be toast. We’d be less likely to take down a wooly mammoth, for example, and more likely to find ourselves oozing up between its toes. Luckily, in the modern world we don’t need to be that alert. Mostly we’re just doing stuff like typing on computers, checking our email, operating heavy machinery, driving… oh, wait.

Did I mention the study that suggests that being even moderately sleep deprived is like having a blood alcohol level of 0.05%? It’s ironic that parents spend so much time choosing safe cars and highly-rated car seats, and then essentially drive around impaired. It’s just not good to drive when you’re exhausted. You have the situational awareness of a cantaloupe.

Somehow, the very kids we’re trying to protect are making it harder for us to do so. Perhaps something has gone horribly wrong in either our species or our child-rearing strategies, I don’t know . I do know that, for our safety and sanity, today’s parents need to get more sleep. Sleep must be placed in the same category as eating and peeing: non-negotiable. If you can’t get enough at night–and I’m betting many of you can’t–then it’s good to get a little during the day. (OK, you can stop saying “That’s what SHE said” and snickering.)

The problem is that this is easier said than done, especially when you’re a new parent. For example, no matter what anyone says, you can’t necessarily “nap when the baby naps,” because babies have apparently evolved to prefer napping when their parents are awake. If you do manage to surreptitiously fall asleep when your baby is napping and he doesn’t promptly wake up, you can be certain that FedEx will choose this moment to deliver a package or someone will fire up a leafblower outside your window. Modern life is rife with interruptions and noise.

There’s also the fact that the whole nap-when-the-baby-naps strategy falls apart if you also have older kids to take care of. While you and your baby are enjoying the miracle of REM, the older children will be experimenting with the Cuisinart or licking the wall outlets.

Clearly, achieving a nap can be a tricky proposition. If you’re able to hire a babysitter for an hour or two so that you can nap, do it. Or swap naptimes with a friend. If your kids are a little older, let them watch TV while you sleep. I know, I know, TV is evil and you vowed to curb it mightily–but maybe you’ll let yourself off the hook if you remember that your napping makes them safer. If you’re at work you’re probably hosed, but maybe you have the kind of job where you can put your head down for half an hour and no-one will notice (note to air traffic controllers: someone will notice). And if you’re tired but can’t possibly find a way to nap, I’m so sorry. I know how much that sucks.

Whether you have a new baby or are still trying to drag yourself out of the sleep-deficit hole left by earlier babies, take naps whenever possible and start making up some of those lost hours. There’s almost nothing else you could do in a half hour a day that would be better for your parenting, your safety, or your sanity. In today’s world, it may even be a biological imperative.

About the author
Jennifer Eyre White is the author of The Practical Napper: Tips, Facts, and Quotes for the Avidly Recumbent, a wee little gift book written for those who believe the phrase “good nap” is redundant. You can find her online at www.ThePracticalNapper.com and www.HavingThreeKids.com.

Categories
Ryan/Married Life Fulfillment Faith Kids/Parenting

Fatherhood: a father’s perspective

I spoke in church on Father’s Day this year, and so did my husband. With his permission, I’m reprinting (i.e. reconstructing from his notes) his talk here.

In a move that would make my wife proud, I turned to the blogosphere to look for a consensus on the rewards and challenges of being a father.

The hardest things about being a father:

  • Knowing your wife is a better parent than you.
  • Finding the time to give everyone the attention they deserve.
  • Being afraid you’re doing it “wrong.”
  • Worrying about the temporal needs of the family.
  • Worrying about the spiritual needs of the family.

The best things about being a father:

  • That huge smile and laughter as I come in the door from a long day at work.
  • The instant forgiveness from a child after sending him to his room.
  • The funny things kids say (see here, here and here).
  • Just spending time together, doing thins I love doing as a kid, like playing with Legos, but can’t really get away with as an adult.

But being a father isn’t all fun in games. In April General Conference in 2004, Elder L. Tom Perry outlined three roles for fathers, and they’re a tall order.

1. The father is the head in his family.

“Fatherhood is leadership, the most important kind of leadership. It has always been so; it always will be so. Father, with the assistance and counsel and encouragement of your eternal companion, you preside in the home. It is not a matter of whether you are most worthy or best qualified, but it is a matter of [divine] appointment.”

Your leadership in the home must include leading in family worship.

“You preside at the meal table, at family prayer. You preside at family home evening; and as guided by the Spirit of the Lord, you see that your children are taught correct principles. It is your place to give direction relating to all of family life.

“You give father’s blessings. You take an active part in establishing family rules and discipline. As a leader in your home you plan and sacrifice to achieve the blessing of a unified and happy family. To do all of this requires that you live a family-centered life.”

President Joseph F. Smith counseled brethren to lead their families in a weekly Family Home Evening. “If the Saints obey this counsel,” he said, “we promise that great blessings will result. Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth of Israel and they will gain power to combat the evil influences and temptations which beset them.”

Along with this role, I want to say just a little about discipline. President Harold B. Lee said, “A father may have to discipline his child, but he should never do it in anger. He must show forth an increase of love thereafter, lest that one so reproved were to esteem him to be an enemy (see D&C 121:43). The Lord forbid the feeling of a child that his mother or father is an enemy.”

This ties into Elder Perry’s next role for fathers:

2. The father is a teacher.

Elder Perry’s talk led me to a pamphlet first put out by the church in 1973 called “Father, Consider Your Ways.” Even though it’s almost 40 years old now, the advice still rings true today. On this role, the pamphlet said:

It must be emphasized that as a father, you are always teaching. For good or ill your family learns your ways, your beliefs, your heart, your ideas, your concerns. Your children may or may not choose to follow you, but the example you give is the greatest light you hold before your children, and you are accountable for that light.

At one time a young father acted somewhat unkindly to his wife. Three days later this same man saw his three-year-old daughter use his very words in acting unkindly to her mother. The man was sobered and came to ask himself this question, “Do I love my children and family enough to repent, to change my life for their welfare?”

We are also supposed to help children recognize promptings of the spirit. I found a good list of a few ways to do this (source missing, sorry!):

  1. Help them learn to pray
  2. Keep the peace
  3. Teach the gospel at their level
  4. Lead them in wholesome family activities
  5. Talk to them at every opportunity
  6. Listen for spiritual promptings yourself

Finally for Elder Perry’s roles:

3. The father is the temporal provider.

Elder Perry strongly cautioned against mothers working for a second income (i.e. one that wasn’t necessary to provide the basic needs in life):

President Ezra Taft Benson expressed it clearly: “The Lord has charged men with the responsibility to provide for their families in such a way that the wife is allowed to fulfill her role as mother in the home. … Sometimes the mother works outside of the home at the encouragement, or even insistence, of her husband … [for the] convenience[s] that the extra income can buy. Not only will the family suffer in such instances, brethren, but your own spiritual growth and progression will be hampered.”

If I can be so bold, there’s one more fatherly role I’d add to Elder Perry’s list:
4. The father is a husband.

“Father, Consider Your Ways” points out:

The obligations, the burdens, the responsibility of being a proper father may seem overwhelming. Fortunately, you are not required to preside and judge and act without counsel, without assistance. You have a wife—a companion, a counselor, a partner, a helpmeet, a friend.

Is she one with you? Do you thank the Lord daily for her? Do you keep the covenants you made with her and with the Lord in the temple? Do you always strive to keep your thoughts and words and actions pure? Do you realize that when you offend her in any way it is like offending yourself, since you are one?

Does she know of your love for her? Is your relationship one of continual courtship? Do you regularly spend time together—alone, where your expression and actions reassure her of your appreciation and reliance on her companionship? Do you exercise righteous leadership with her?

Do you always keep sight of your marriage goal, the creation of an eternal unit bound together by love and by the power and ordinances of the priesthood?

President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, “A good marriage requires time. It requires effort. You have to work at it. You have to cultivate it. You have to forgive and forget. You have to be absolutely loyal to one another.”

Finally, President Howard W. Hunger said, “Indeed, one of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”

Categories
Kids/Parenting

Guest Post: 3 Ideas for Making Bedtime go Smoothly

By Julie

If you want to see a kid suddenly find 20 things to do, just say those magic words: “Bed time.” Suddenly, there’s homework to be done, or a level on a video game that just HAS to be completed immediately. Even though for moms and dads bed time is a sweet reward at the end of a long day, for kids it’s a dreaded sentence. If we’re lucky we can get kids to bed with relatively little hassle and we hope upon hope that they stay there. But most of the time, we’re not so lucky, and wrangling the kids to sleep is like herding cats. But fortunately there are a few things that can make bed time much less stressful for everyone.

Create a Quiet Routine

One of the most important things that can make bed time run more smoothly is an established routine. Sure, life is crazy and it’s hard to know what each day will bring. But a consistent night time routine will help kids wind down and get ready for bed. Watching television, eating, drinking or high energy activities close to bed time are likely to be counter productive. It may seem reasonable that expending energy will make children sleepy, but unfortunately it’s far more likely to get them amped up and hyper rather than tired. Eating and drinking as well can increase a kid’s energy, and will also probably lead to waking up in the middle of the night to visit the bathroom.

Of course the schedule should include necessities like bathing and teeth brushing. But it may also include quiet activities like reading or a lullaby. Baths and showers especially can be calming and help kids get into sleep mode. The more you can structure these activities the more a child will get used to the process and may even find themselves getting tired as a result of beginning the nightly ritual.

Be Proactive About Common Issues

Sometimes getting kids to sleep is a challenge simply because of individual preferences and needs. So it’s often prudent to pay attention to such issues and try to use preventative measures whenever possible.

  • While drinking before bed can lead to bathroom breaks in sleeping later, providing a glass of water on the bed side table could help prevent nocturnal trips to the sink because of dry mouth.
  • Sometimes light sleepers may be more susceptible to sleep delays because of noises coming from other parts of the house. But a soft radio or sound machine giving off relaxing ambient noise can help drown out other noises from activity or the television.
  • A favorite blanket or stuffed animal may be a sleep time necessity. If that’s the case, make sure the special item is located and in place well before bed time.
  • Fear of the dark is a common fear among children. The use of a night light can go a long way toward alleviating this problem. It may even help to have children help pick out a night light in a fun shape or color that they really enjoy.
  • Reassure children that they will not be left “alone” after they fall asleep. Promise to check in later and make sure all is well before heading to bed yourself.

Make Bedtime a Special Bonding Time

The best way to help children rest easy at night is to make bed time a bonding experience with their parents. As I mentioned before, reading is an excellent bed time activity and when children and parents do it together it’s an even better experience. Whether the parent is reading to the child or the child is reading to the parent it’s a great way to enjoy some quality time and prepare for sleep. If possible, try to find a book that will take multiple nights to complete so that children are actually enthusiastic about going to bed to find out what happens next.

Whether it’s a book, a back rub, singing songs or simply chatting about the day’s activities and making future plans, the more enjoyable this pre-sleep time is for the child the less reluctant they will be when it comes around. And parents may just discover that this turns into the best part of their day as well.

Bed time is a dirty word to most children, but if you take the right steps it doesn’t have to be. With a firm bed time routine in place, children will adapt well to process each night. By removing common road blocks to falling asleep, you can eliminate the chances of night time needs or complaints. And when bed time is bonding time for parent and child it becomes special for everyone and will even lead to fond memories for children when they become adults themselves.

About the Author
Julie is a writer for Mr.Beams, a company offering battery night lights and other wireless lights. For the last few years, Julie has been blogging frequently and working as a freelance writer. Though bed time at her house doesn’t always run smoothly, there’s nothing she looks forward to more than a reading to her daughter Natalie.

Photo credits: tantrum—Liza; water—Sean

Categories
Kids/Parenting Fulfillment

The Meaning of Motherhood

For some—motherhood means raising your children and being the best you can be so that you know your child will grow up to make you proud. That is what society has pumped into the meaning of motherhood. And yes, that’s exactly what us moms want, but there are other things too . . .

What Do We Really Want as Moms?

Several things—to begin with, wonderful children that help bring meaning to our lives. Secondly, recognition for being able to tackle the impossible—being a mom isn’t easy but it certainly is rewarding. Thirdly, we want the occasional break, the chance to get away and be us again—that person we once knew minus the baby spit, uncombed hair, frazzled features and non-maimed outfit. Fourthly, we want to know our children were raised right, fed right, loved right, taught right and above all—grew up right—to be wonderful people, citizens, moms & dads, and husbands & wives. Right?

Children Bring Meaning to our Lives.

There is always a time where we get frustrated and maybe resent being a mom. And then, there are those times when something fantastic happens and we wouldn’t imagine being anything other than a mom. The latter scenario happens more often than the first because being a mom is fun and rewarding and without having little Jimmy throw Cheerios in your hair, what is life about? My uncle used to always tell me, “Grow up, get an education, find a wonderful man and have children because without children, there is no meaning to life.” I don’t necessarily thing the last part of his lecture is true; many people find meaning in life without children but those of us who have them know . . . there’s no going back and that’s they way we want it.

Let us be Recognized!

After carrying them for nine months in our womb, breast feeding, nursing, consistent coddling, diaper changes and every other task that doesn’t necessarily stop when they turn 18, we’d like some recognition. And if they’re not old enough to drive, bike or shop—then we’d like something handmade and crafty or even just a hug to make our day. We’d like our childless friends to know how much we sacrifice and we’d especially like our children’s fathers to know and say thanks with some occasional flowers, a night off or even a night out (with a spit-free outfit).

Let us be Free!

Yes, that occasional night out (spit-free outfit included) is exactly what we need, especially when our children are always in. There was a time, and it is a distant, distant memory, when we didn’t have deadlines, PTA meetings, exams, appointments, cleanings, doctor visits, swimming lessons, baseball practice, piano lessons, birthday parties and it never stops . . . anyways, before all of this we had us, just that one person we had to worry about. We wouldn’t change it—we love being moms—but sometimes having a night out to relax and maybe briefly forget about everything, is always rejuvenating and much deserving. Of course, if you’re anything like me—three seconds out of the house and I’m attached to my phone in case the babysitter calls and Jimmy fell down or isn’t able to sleep. Sometimes it seems more like a punishment to make yourself leave and be a person again and not just a mommy; that punishment is always so rewarding when you come home.

Then there is always the “old friends” who decided not to procreate and always have free time to hang out and party—why do they always wonder why you don’t? Because you have a life, you say to yourself and then quickly realize they do too; they just decided to live a different one from yours. And just when you’re ready to envy them and beg for freedom, you realize that kind of life isn’t what you want . . . or maybe it is . . . one night a month.

The Moment of Truth.

There it is . . . all out on the table. You’ve done the raising, the disciplining, the crying, the laughing, the cooking, the teaching, the cleaning, the pep talk, the inspiring and the raising . . . and now, it’s time to see how they turn out. Oh boy! This is always the tough one. Has your skills as a mother been enough and what happens if Jimmy doesn’t go to college, then med school, then maybe Harvard just for fun, get married and have children? Does that mean you fail? What if Jimmy goes off, explores the world, finds inspiration in drawing and opens an art studio in New York (maybe Newark)? Did you do your job as a parent? This is the scariest question for me. Have I done enough to be a good parent? And what does Jimmy have to do in life for me to know I’ve succeeded as a good mom?

The Answer?

Nothing. Jimmy doesn’t have to do anything for me to know I’ve succeeded. His success is now up to him and defined by himself. If he wants to be a musician, then he’s a success because that is what he wants to do. A doctor—even better—as long as he wants to do it. I firmly believe that the lessons and skills we pass on to our children will mold them for the rest of their lives but we ourselves, will never be able to mold them into their lives.

About the author
Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education where she’s been researching both the highest paying jobs and the lowest paying jobs on the market. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.