Tag: sleep

Categories
Kids/Parenting

Quiet time?

So the nap transition hasn’t gone well since that first day. Wednesday, Hayden was sick, and spent six hours sleeping during the day and went to bed early—but that much sleep meant he wouldn’t go to bed until after 11 PM Thursday night, and you can forget about a nap.

Tuesday, Thursday and Wednesday, Hayden was much less enthused about sitting in his bed looking at books. It was less like “quiet time” and more like “scream at mom for two hours.” For some strange reason, this is incredibly stressful for me(twenty-eight exclamation points and several ones). The whole point is for me to have a break (lie: the whole point is for me to work, which makes this even more stressful), and I’m just not getting it.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant, and I really don’t think my blood pressure can handle much more of this. I can hardly do this now; I don’t know how I’ll make it with a new baby and next-to-no sleep (let alone time for myself).

Categories
Kids/Parenting

The battle of the wills: naps

Since my son was about four months old, I have been a self-proclaimed nap nazi. Hayden has been very compliant with this, even during difficult transitions (3 to 2 naps, 2 to 1 nap).

And, most unfortunately, it’s beginning to look like he wants to go from 1 to no naps. I refuse to believe that a boy of 2 years and 4 months (today) gets enough sleep by sleeping 12 hours at night and none during the day. And, indeed, he’s often quite grumpy and more difficult to put to bed at night when he hasn’t had a nap.

But after several letting him sit in his dark room for hours while he refused to sleep with increasing frequency, I finally gave up. Last Thursday, there was no mention of napping in our house. No move toward the bedroom. No screaming and thrashing to avoid a nap. Friday, same deal.

Granted, this wasn’t a great thing, since mostly this involved him watching television instead. And, also me freaking out because I just mentally can’t handle the idea of not having a break (and by “break” I mean mostly time to work) during the day.

I have a deep need for a certain amount of silence and time alone on a daily basis. The prospect of not getting this—plus no time to work at my job, let alone the little pet projects that keep me sane and happy—was enough to bring me to tears.

And then . . . Saturday, he was rubbing his eyes and yawning in the afternoon. Sunday, he threw a fit in the afternoon. We put him to bed and he fell asleep.

And I knew I needed to institute a “quiet time” for Hayden.

So today, I put him in his bed and told him he didn’t have to take a nap. Rather than crying and trashing, Hayden seemed to think this was fun. I brought him some books to look at and left the light on, but closed the door most of the way and turned on the fan.

I had to go back to help him twice over the next hour—once because he’d dropped a book and the second time because he wanted new books. Let me say that again: he wanted new books. Not to get out. I brought him more books and he was mostly quiet for an hour.

And when I went to check on him, he’d tossed all of his books, his pillow, his blanket and his two stuffed animals out—and was fast asleep.

I know it’s too early to draw a definite conclusion, but maybe I was pushing him too hard. (Knock on wood!)

Categories
Kids/Parenting

More bedtime routine tips

A few months ago, I wrote about how to get your child to go to bed. I’ve noticed recently that we’ve had a lot of subtle changes to Hayden’s routine as time goes on. Many of them are the little parent hacks that have been lifesavers. (Of course, none of them made any difference to Hayden last night, after he decided at 11:30 that he needed to wake up screaming every 20-30 minutes. Sigh.)

Without further lamenting my sleepless night (oh, how nice it is to put that as a singular noun!), I give you some of my best bedtime routine tips:

  • If it’s upsetting and not vital, drop it. We used to read to Hayden every night. He loved it. He loved it so much that when I put the book away, he threw a fit. We had to stop reading before bedtime.
  • If it’s upsetting and vital, get it over with early in the routine. When we’re perfect parents and don’t schedule Hayden’s bedtime according to his whininess and our patience, we’ll take Hayden to his room for his beloved stories. He’s still a little upset when we put the books away, but he’s excited to be getting into his bath (or just be nakey), so he gets over it quickly.
  • Use both parents. Yeah, it’s a little annoying sometimes that one of us doesn’t get to have 15-20 minutes “off,” but Ryan and I share bedtime responsibilities. And you know what? That means that on given day, either of us can put him to bed alone if we have to.
  • Conditioning (manipulation). As sad as I am to say it, I am amazed at how well blatant manipulation works. My favorite examples follow.
  • Praise. Be effusive with praise when he does something desirable. He folds his arms and closes his eyes all through the prayer? We’re the happiest parents ever.
  • Jealousy. Haydie doesn’t want to go to bed. Maybe someone else does. I hand Marty (Hayden’s stuffed monkey/security object) to Daddy. I wrap Daddy up in a blanket. At about this point, Hayden becomes very jealous—and a bit upset. He points to Marty and then to himself. “Oh!” I usually say. “Do you want Marty?” And then he’s happy to take his monkey, be wrapped in his blanket.
  • Fun. Hayden used to be very upset by turning off the light—now bed is imminent. So we made turning the light off into a game. We have a dimmer switch in his room that must be pushed to turn off/on. So I used his head to turn off the light—”Bonk!”
  • Play to your audience. When that got old, we played on one of Hayden’s favorite things to do—blow out candles. So we said he could blow out the light. In the midst of his tears, he would giggle and blow toward the light. (Credit must be given to his well-reflexed Daddy here for getting the timing right almost every time.)
  • Be flexible. Not everything we’ve tried has worked. Not everything that works continues to work. We’ve tried to stay very flexible about many aspects of his bedtime routine—we watch him for cues that he’s ready and adjust the starting time and length accordingly.

Of course (and obviously), it doesn’t always work out perfectly, but these tips (and our long-established toddler bedtime routine) have made for a child who goes to bed without crying and sleeps through the night.

(I should probably mention the books that really helped me with establishing a bedtime routine: Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West (with Joanne Kenen) and The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. Some of these tips may be lessons from these books that I’ve learned so well that I’ve forgotten where they came from!)

What are your favorite bedtime tips? Share in the comments!

Categories
Kids/Parenting

Sleep poke

We’ve been traveling a bit lately. As I mentioned earlier this week, last week was my brother-in-law’s wedding, which was wonderful. Other than, y’know, spending over eight hours in airports and airplanes with an almost-eighteen-month-old who just wants to walk around, for goodness’ sake! Actually, Hayden was quite good at traveling, despite not having a nap all day that day. (He dozed off in the car on the way to the hotel, and Hayden is not a car-sleeping kid.)

Now, we’ve also made a nine hour car trip out to visit my parents for a while (sans Daddy, who headed back home. Stupid day job.). Naturally, Hayden has had to deal with all manner of sleep disruptions lately, not the least of which is adjusting to sleeping in two completely different cribs in two completely different environments. Some nights have been better than others. Tuesday night, Hayden went to sleep just fine, but awoke crying two or three times. The second time, only minutes after I thought I’d settled him down, I went back to snuggle and rock him for a little while longer.

In the dim light, I couldn’t tell if his eyes were open or shut as he lay peacefully in my arms. I stroked his hair to help comfort him and whispered “sweet mommy nothings” to him to let him know I was there and I cared.

I guess he was more awake than he let on. As I held him, marveling over how small and cuddly he could still sometimes be, his hands and feet moved continually. His feet pushed at the pillows next to us. His hands ran over my back and my face, as if he were checking to see if it was really Mom.

He finally gave it a rest and dropped his hand to his side for a moment. I watched his little hand continue to move, though, as he curled three fingers under to form a fist, leaving his index finger extended. He slowly moved his hand to play his favorite waking game.

Poke!

He went right back to sleep when I put him down that time.

Categories
Kids/Parenting

Get your child to go to bed!

I have a premonition that we’ve been very lucky with Hayden. He rarely fights us when it’s time to go to bed for the night or for a nap. But I also attribute some of our luck to hard work in developing a bedtime routine from the time he was very small (about 3 months old). A bedtime routine is a great way to calm your child and help him or her transition from activities of the day to the quiet of the night (and hopefully sleep!). Eventually, repetition will help to condition your child (I hate saying that, but it’s true) to associate the bedtime routine with sleep.

A Toddler Bedtime Routine

Here’s what our bedtime routine looks like today:

  1. Shallow bath in the big tub. Brush teeth. Soap and washing twice a week. (Usually, this one is mostly done by Daddy)
  2. Dry off, put on diaper and onesie.
  3. At this point, Hayden stands up and knows what’s next. He grins, giggles and runs across the room to where his rocking chair waits.
  4. After he climbs into his rocking chair, Daddy reads him a story (or a few pages) while Mommy puts on his socks. (Lately he doesn’t want to stay in his chair. He sits on my lap while Ryan reads.)
  5. Daddy says good night, turns off the light, shuts the door and turns on the fan (white noise) in the hallway.
  6. Mommy gives Marty to Hayden (unless he got him during his story, which happens a lot), cradles him in her arms and maybe wraps him in a blanket.
  7. Mommy sings “Baby Beluga,” usually with made up words about Hayden. After a verse or two, Mommy gives Hayden a kiss and lays him down in his crib.

By now, it’s very rare for Hayden to cry or call out once we put him down. Of course, we’ve refined this routine for our family over the last year. See also the followup with more bedtime routine tips.

An Evolving Bedtime Routine

Over time, your child’s needs change. Once I stopped nursing Hayden to sleep, his night time bedtime routine looked like this:

  1. Nurse
  2. Bath in warm soapy water
  3. Towel off and rub lotion on dry areas (feet, hands, elbows, calves).
  4. Put on diaper and pajamas. I discovered that one of the reasons why this drove him nuts before was because at this point he was starving. By moving his feeding up to the beginning of the routine, he was much more agreeable at this point!
  5. Hold him, rocking gently and singing 2-3 songs. Put him in bed once he starts sucking his fingers.

Before this, our bedtime routine was even shorter.

Baby’s First Bedtime Routine

Our first bed time routine was very, very basic (he was three months, after all!).

  1. Bath in warm soapy water (like this one)
  2. Put on diaper and pajamas
  3. Nurse him to sleep

Everyone and their mother will tell you not to nurse your baby to sleep, but this worked for us for a long, long time. I don’t really remember the transition being that hard, but it did take a few days.

A Naptime Routine

A naptime routine is a huge help in getting your child to take his or her naps! Our routine is very short:

Turn on the fan. Hold him, rocking gently and singing 2-3 songs (now we’re down to one). Put him in bed once he starts sucking his fingers. (He’s mostly grown out of this by now, but I’ve seen him do it a couple times lately.)

Tips for Creating Your Own Bedtime Routine

  • Do what works for you. Baths, books and storytelling, songs and night time rituals are good. I had a sister with a deathly fear of monsters; every night my mom sprayed her room with a “monster spray.”
  • Make your children comfortable. Every night for years our family prayed for “no needles in the bed, no throw up” to reassure another sister (who really did find a pin in her bed once, prompting the addition to our prayers).
  • If possible, put the most distressing task at the beginning of the routine.
  • Go slow and talk softly.
  • Use dim lights.
  • Involve your spouse in the bedtime routine. That way, if you’re ever called away (or out having fun!) at night, he’ll be able to take over with confidence and minimal disruption to the routine.
  • Use repetition. If your children are at the age where they want the same book(s) every night, use it to your advantage. We do things in pretty much the same order and sing the same lullaby every night.
  • Once I quit nursing Hayden to sleep, I put him down while he was still awake, but obviously on his way to sleeping. By now, I can put him down after one yawn or eye rub and he’ll go to sleep on his own.
  • Use a security object. It took months of us giving it to him every nap and night for Hayden to become attached, but now he really loves Marty, his monkey. He almost seems relieved to see him when he knows it’s time for sleep.

Our bedtime routine has helped Hayden go to bed well for almost anyone (Mom, Dad, Aunties and friends) and, I think, eventually helped him to sleep through the night. I can only hope our future children will benefit from our bed time routines, too!

Good luck creating your own bedtime routines!

See also the followup with more bedtime routine tips.

I should probably mention the books that really helped me with establishing a bedtime routine: Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West (with Joanne Kenen) and The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.

Categories
Kids/Parenting

Sleep theory spectrum II

As promised, here are my concept definitions (and very unPC stereotypes):

  • Parent-centered: focus more on the parents’ needs, inconvenience the parents as little as possible and return to prebaby life ASAP. These are the parents who are back working 60 hours a week as soon as they can find a nanny. In their more candid moments, they admit their children are “speed bumps.” Their children are like any other accessories, toys or pets.
  • Child-centered: focus more on the child’s needs. While the child-led camp may vociferously disagree, the child-centered school of thought believes (or fervently hopes!) that children can come first without parents coming dead last. Most parents, I think, fall in here.

  • Child-led: Baby knows best. He’ll do everything when he’s ready and not a moment sooner. Anything else is cruel and bordering on child abuse. Oh, and selfish. Maybe you shouldn’t have had a child if you weren’t ready to come dead last.
  • Parent-led: Mom & Dad know best (at the very least, they know what will drive them crazy the slowest). They guide the child’s nurturing and make the decisions. The more middle-of-the-road parent-led parents do this very gently. This area can overlap with the child-centered group. Yes, to the astonishment of some child-led parents, it’s possible for parents to guide a child’s upbringing while still focusing primarily on his needs. In fact, some parents believe that it’s imperative to guide a child to best fulfill his needs, such as shaping sleep habits so he can nap well and sleep through the night and get the rest that he needs. On the other end of the parent-led spectrum, there’s an overlap with parent-centered parenting.

Of course, some kids don’t respond to “parent-led” parenting. Or anything else, for that matter. So each of those four terms is a spectrum of its own, varying with the individual parents and children.

It’s a little obvious where I think I fall—in the areas without the ugly stereotypes.

As for me, I think I’ll start seeing things soon if I don’t get a full night’s sleep. But at least I don’t dread nights like I did when he was just a few weeks old. I guess that’s an improvement.