One thing that I look forward to every time I know I’ll be visiting with family is the opportunity to get a break. Not from work, usually, because I still usually end up working. I look forward to having more help with Hayden. A lot of the time, I think I would feel better about being a mother if I had more support around me—more people I could turn to during the day for help, more people that I could ask to watch Hayden so I could go to the dentist, get a project done or just take a shower.
So when I’m visiting with my family, I’m very excited to have that support (even if I won’t be going to the dentist or the doctor while I’m on vacation). But at the same time, I feel bad for “dumping” Hayden on my family all the time—and then I feel like they think I’m a bad mother who always wants to foist my child off on the first available person. Plus, I don’t want to ditch my family, either.
For those of you far from your families, what do you do to balance your time with your kids and your opportunity for a virtually endless supply of trusted babysitters?
14 replies on “Vacation from guilt?”
For me, I think having family around every day that you can use like that would lessen the guilt. Because you wouldn’t be “shoving your kid off” you would be helping each other. I don’t think we were ever meant to raise kids alone, we need that tribe/village/extended family all working together.
It helps if you live 6,000 miles away ;-). By the time we do get together, my parents are so desperate to see the kids that they practically snatch them out of our arms. Seriously though, I am VERY lucky in that my parents wish very much that they were close enough to be a lot more involved on a day to day basis, so they really outdo themselves when they get the chance. During a weeklong visit we often get to go out a few times without the kids, and a longer visit often brings the chance to get away for a night or two (now that my kids are older, we couldn’t have done that a few years ago). What helps me is being really “present” when I am with my family. When I’m with them, I’m with them, not off running around. Then, when they’re babysitting, I’m free to do whatever else.
As an aside, if you live far enough away that you don’t see your family that often, I can’t recommend a webcam highly enough. It can help Hayden to get to know his relatives so that there is no embarrassing awkwardness at the first meeting, and it can help your family to feel more a part of his life. My parents are always thrilled to death when my kids go racing through the airport to them with no hesitation at all even after not having seen them for 6 months. My daughter still doesn’t have long conversations (or any at all really) on the phone, but she can jabber away when she sees a picture to go with the voice. The Grandma-Maya Itsy-Bitsy Spider duets are always a sight to see.
We had a simple solution – we moved closer to family. 🙂 Not that I recommend that one either necessarily. We realized after our oldest was born that we had absolutely no support system where we were and ended up moving a couple of years later. We had a very hard time beforehand though, especially finding babysitters. Even now that we’re close(er) to family, we rely a lot on neighbors and friends.
My mom still lives across the state and comes to visit for a weekend every so often. I love having the extra set of eyes, ears and arms and my kids love having her undivided attention, which also makes me feel guilty – both that they don’t get my attention undivided enough and that my poor mom gets stuck with the kids too much while I’m rushing around trying to get other things done. She tells me at least once a visit that she enjoys spending all of the time with them and since she doesn’t seem them very often otherwise, she loves being able to get her fill on these visits. And then she goes home and crashes to recover, LOL.
The only time I get a bath by myself or a visit to the dentist say is when those times coincide with the day my husband has taken off work. I’m lucky that I’m a homebody & going out doesn’t hold that much excitement for me. Our nearest family is hundreds of miles away so options for babysitting are in short supply.
If I needed a babysitter desperately I could ask my neighbours 15 yr old daughter but luckily the places I visit I’m able to take my toddler with me so I don’t really have any difficulties.
Mine and my husband’s families are thousands of miles away.
It would be much easier if they were close.
We are thankful for our church out here though. It’s a worldwide oeganization and it really does feel familiar and like family in a way, no matter where you go. We have instant friends and poeople who share our values through it and many of the other mothers and I will do babysitting swaps.
Ah the joys of typing one handed. Can’t spell worth beans like this. 🙂
LOL, Summer: your church = my church (or did you already know that?). And living in Utah, my neighbors are church members and they are a good support system, too. That’s why I feel bad when I say I don’t have a support system, because I really, really could call on these people but . . . I would feel bad. Just like I do with my real family. 😉
I don’t see it as dumping the kid on the relatives. Usually kids are so entertaining the relatives can’t wait to get a hold of them. I like to tell myself it’s their chance to spend time with their grandchild or their newphew, etc…
I am very fortunate to have an organization here in NH called the Children’s Place…it’s a mommy co-op and you can volunteer and hang out and play or use it for drop off respite to get your brain together…not that i have been using it lately…now i babysit another one…so that brings me to 4 at home this summer…but I also swap off with other mom/neighbors…we started just doing playdates…meet them at story time, walking in the neighborhood…and then do playdates together so all the kids get to know each other…i have one friend (so blessed to have her in my life) that literally lives up the road…she even called me when she went into labor with #2 to stay with #1 who was 2 and sleeping…moms helping moms…sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to let others help…most folks want to…no guilt!!! We need to rejuvinate our souls!!! Be gentle to yourself! Jodi
I’m no longer away… but I was when Owen was an only child and it was much harder. I was pregnant and HAD to do appointment and such… I put him in a parents day out program near my house… he absolutely loved it. I had to have it so that i had a time I could scheduled things. Another thing is going to a gym that offers baby-sitting. It’s 2 birds with one stone! Church is great too for community that can help out.
My family, who I see once every year only, is always hungry for baby smells and baby blahs so I don’t need them to tell them to take care of the tot for me. They literally shove me off so they can have the baby to themselves!!
[…] if we aren’t told these things we’ll often feel them still. MamaBlogga shares her own guilt on letting her family watch the kids while she’s on vacation. Having support nearby that could help more […]
Oh, yeah … try it with twins! We’ve suffered, our marriage has suffered, too, since we are are financially strapped. We have finally gotten out twice in the last week thanks to asking for help for the first and second times. I do feel guilty for asking, though, because I feel like if my inlaws or mother wanted to help they would volunteer and try to be here more. My mother just made her first trip here since moving 12 hours away when my babies were just 4 months old. I’m still pretty angry at her selfish decision. But, I do feel a sitter — now — is worth the money to help our sanity. I love the co-op idea for daytime outtings.
Ha, I had no idea you were LDS! I’ve been amazed at how many LDS bloggers I’ve run across at random.