Your turn: I was jealous

Wow, ladies. I’m very impressed! I threw out what I thought was a very “angsty” post—which I thought could be (and would be) easily dismissed. But many of you took the time to write thoughtful, heartfelt and most of all helpful answers. Would I be presumptuous to say that they were written with concern, compassion and sympathy?

I’m just so impressed that I wanted to highlight many of the responses here. Now, I know that not everyone has struggled with feeling dissatisfied, burdened, inconvenienced or whatever you want to call it, but I was very relieved to have my suspicions confirmed—I’m not alone.

I acknowledged in my post that adjusting my expectations was one way of trying to deal with this. (Although I’m not very good at that all the time.) Robin had further advice: go specifically to kid-friendly places. As silly as this may sound, I actually usually do try to struggle through dinner in a sit-down restaurant with Hayden (on the infrequent occasions that we actually go out). I have learned through sad experience that this is a recipe for disaster. Robin points out the importance of lots of entertaining toys for tots in public. Let me add that you can never have enough toys. And nothing you offer a child who has developed a taste for soda will satisfy his desire until you share with him.

Madame M points out that realizing the importance of spending time with your children is another way to appreciate it more. She’s absolutely right. In ten years, are you going to remember snuggling with your children or that episode of CSI:? And what will they remember? Perspective doesn’t always make things easier, but it can make the right choice more obvious.

Lindsey, my friend of whom I was jealous, says that it’s important to remember—and even okay to acknowledge—that we, as moms, have needs and desires, too. That’s a problem that I deal with in this area, too. I get so tired of subjugating my needs to his—sometimes I just want to take a shower or read or knit or eat in peace. Eating, sleeping: pretty basic needs, I think. I’ve been known to think, “Okay, Hayden, you win. You win. You win—again. I am nothing; my physical needs mean nothing; you win. I am broken. Again.” (That was especially common when he was a year old and still not sleeping through the night.) It sounds pretty psycho in the light of day, but I still remember very keenly that feeling. I’m a mother now, but I still have wants and I still have needs—and thank you, Lindsey, for reminding me that it’s okay to recognize that!

Julie felt like she was going out on a limb to say that she just found it easier to parent older children. Lucy agreed with her. Even with my limited experience, I believe that there are certainly easier ages to parent (and those ages are due to personality and personal preferences for the parents and the children alike). I know some men who feel like they’re all thumbs around newborns (and go so far as to tell their friends that they don’t really like babies!). As much as I loved Hayden, I found the newborn/zero feedback/blob stage very challenging. He is so entertaining these days (he was a total ham for my extended family at dinner last night!)—and by the same token, so exhausting. He really is a good kid, though.

Bellevelma—yes, it does help to hear that time will help. I’ve got nothing but time. In fact, I think that was a prevailing theme throughout most of the comments: Robin and Bellevelma both said it outright, and I think that time is also a factor in being able to better parent older children, like Julie and Lucy said. There are two things that change with time: us and our children. Our children grow and mature and suddenly become more manageable (we all hope!) and presentable in public. We also grow and mature and earn more hard-won patience and parenting skills. Kinda cool how that works.

Offline, my mother also suggested reading scriptures about charity to help build my patience. (I tried reading scriptures about patience; it made me impatient :\ .) I really believe that being a mother is God’s will for me (and for most women), and that I’m doing the right thing by dedicating my life to my children, as hard as it is. In fact, I’ve come to believe that a major reason why we’re supposed to have children is because this life is the time for us to learn to be humble, to cease to be selfish, to soften our hearts, to give up our will for that of God—and I really feel that having children can teach me that, if I let it.

Thank you for all your responses. Really, you helped to lift my spirits.